To The PILs, everything is about money

Talk about anything and everything in-law related.

Moderators: Phred, meimei, willthetruthbetold

Post Reply
Mara
Fuming
Posts: 158
Joined: Thu Jul 07, 2016 2:03 pm

To The PILs, everything is about money

Post by Mara » Fri Jul 12, 2019 10:41 am

It’s been about 3 years since I went NC with my vile PILs. They have done everything to try and continue their abuse. They tried using my parents, tried using various other ILs to give me messages for them until I had to go NC with all the ILs, and especially continue using EH (estranged husband) to give me messages for them.

I’m low contact with EH. I’ve told him not to contact me unless it is related to the children. He doesn’t know how to adhere to my boundaries, so I ignore his communications for the most part.

EH is living with his parents and they have more control over him than ever (like a child instead of a 35 year old man). We are going through divorce. EH still wants to reconcile (which I told him I am open to IF he becomes accountable for his abusive behavior), but his parents have pressured and persuaded him to file for divorce (his parents first brought up divorce way back in 2013!). He sees them as his savior and will follow all their orders. He hasn’t seen the kids in months because his parents have forbid him from traveling here to see them (which is what he has done for the past three years).

He’s been giving me lots of messages from the PILs lately. Telling me “you’ve definitely pissed off my mom.” And trying to guilt and intimidate me. Yesterday’s communicate actually stunned me in its ridiculousness. He texted me a photo of a thank you note I wrote MIL many years ago. He asked “what happened to this?” I responded, “I learned how to make and enforce healthy boundaries to protect myself from toxic and abusive behavior.”

Then the next one. He wrote “from my mom” with a photo of a paper she had written listing off anything she had ever gifted us!!!!! Seriously!!!! It was very specific and was an entire page long. Interestingly, she mentioned a TV. I have no clue what she is referring to, maybe a TV she bought EH after we separated? MIL always tried to use money to control and influence us. Gifts always came with strings attached. I never wanted any of it anyway and made sure she know I appreciated it but did not expect it. Many times, we did not even want or need the crap she gave us. It was a burden of how to politely decline gifts or take them and later donate them or return them to the store for the discounted no-receipt merchandise credit.

I have not responded to him, but in my head I’m thinking:
1) this shows clearly that everything is about money to MIL (probably infuriating to her that I am a frugal person who lives below my means and doesn’t need fancy stuff to make me happy).
2) MIL is admitting that she does not know the meaning of the word gift and that nothing she gave us was actually a gift
3) MIL is probably pissed that she spent all that money to try and control us, but it was in vain (at least on my part)
4) I am sure that the ILs are trying to hurt me AND THE KIDS financially. EH never did his financial affidavit for the divorce. It was due months ago. He admitted that his dad has his money. I’m pretty sure he wasn’t supposed to tell me that because his dad is probably trying to hide his money. His parents and he have made countless threats about wanting to harm me, destroy me, even kill me. EH has not been supporting the kids at all and he has threatened me even while we were together that if we divorced the kids and I would never get a single cent from him. He’s told me he hopes the kids and I rot in poverty. When we still had a joint checking account, his mother used to take him out shopping and spend OUR money. I have no doubt that she was doing this to try and hurt me.

Update: another message from EH this morning. I just want to laugh at the absurdity of it.
All he wrote: “My parents did a lot and didnt get much appreciation after all they gave.“
Last edited by Mara on Sat Jul 13, 2019 12:40 pm, edited 2 times in total.

Melody
Nuclear
Posts: 1644
Joined: Fri Dec 20, 2013 1:28 pm

Re: To The PILs, everything is about money

Post by Melody » Sat Jul 13, 2019 8:56 am

First off (((HUGS!!!!!!))). You are fighting quite the war! And the other side (meaning JUST DH) isn't evil - just a complete mess. Your ILs are total evil!

Do you have any of these nasty threats in writing? If so, blow up your attorney's fax machine/email with copies of them!

livingmylifeforme
Angry
Posts: 80
Joined: Sat Jul 28, 2018 8:08 pm

Re: To The PILs, everything is about money

Post by livingmylifeforme » Sat Jul 13, 2019 10:49 am

Awwe, I give *Hugs* to you, too. I agree with Melody. Get those copies in to your lawyer. Also, copies of EH saying he won’t pay a cent.

As for MIL’s gifts. Those were gifts. You don’t have to pay her back for anything she ever got you. She paid for those things on her own without stating that you need to pay her back for them with your agreement. So that’s on her.

WhyOhWhy
Fuming
Posts: 168
Joined: Tue Sep 04, 2018 7:25 pm

Re: To The PILs, everything is about money

Post by WhyOhWhy » Sat Jul 13, 2019 1:38 pm

Along with the other advice, of course you probably already know that you shouldn't have responded to him in the first place. Stick to your guns and only talk about the kids or ABSOLUTELY necessary things. He's goading you into a response, and you gave it to him. That whole family sounds like a bit of a toxic mess, I'm so sorry - but good news is that you have distance from them now. Keep on fighting the good fight!
I will not let them drag me down to their level again

willthetruthbetold
Moderator
Posts: 4112
Joined: Tue Nov 06, 2007 4:33 am

Re: To The PILs, everything is about money

Post by willthetruthbetold » Thu Jul 18, 2019 4:09 am

You gave your ILs the most precious gifts of all, grandchildren. Looks like they don't appreciate them enough to be good examples of how a loving family treats each other. They didn't have to love you, but they should have respected you because of your role as wife to their son and mother of their grandchildren.
Some people equate money with love, with power or use it to control others. It appears that they thought that they could buy control over you and are still trying to do it. Your EH should distance himself from his parents so that he can get his own life and not just repeat what they are telling him. What a sad, empty life he must have with them and not with you and his children.
My FIL and MIL used money as a weapon. They used to be very abusive during visits and just after they would be particularly hurtful, FIL would pipe up with "You have to be nice to us because we're going to give you a lot of inheritance when we die." I told them that they should just spend the money on themselves which surprised them. They were buying Golden SIL's affections all through her life and it continues to this day. MIL has died but FIL gives big chunks of money to GSIL. GSIL's DH, who I call Pervert-BIL, hangs around like a dog sniffing steak, waiting for FIL to die in the mistaken belief that he is getting an inheritance from FIL. P-BIL and GSIL were easily bought, but Marz, you and I are not. I hope that your EH grows up, grows a pair and finds a good life so that he can be an example to your children. His FOO needs to step back and let him.

JustPlainHateHer
Enraged
Posts: 700
Joined: Sun Jun 22, 2014 1:26 pm

Re: To The PILs, everything is about money

Post by JustPlainHateHer » Sun Jul 21, 2019 2:11 pm

Oh my gosh, I thought mine was bad. Pure EVIL they are!
Hope you can protect yourself and your children from their vile ways.

WatchingMyBack
Nuclear
Posts: 1313
Joined: Tue Apr 25, 2006 6:14 pm
Location: New York State

Re: To The PILs, everything is about money

Post by WatchingMyBack » Mon Jul 22, 2019 1:51 pm

Mara, this sounds so much like my MIL and :twisted: BIL. Keeping lists of what they'd "done" so they had "proof" to rub in our faces later. Yet any gifts we gave were devalued or the millions of favors we did for them were dismissed and, in their minds, never happened. Over and over again "everything we've done for you" was thrown in DH's face and mine ... and later, our DC. I didn't want their gifts. I used to send thank you notes and yet was told "you never say thank you for anything". It was a no win situation.

You do need to not engage with your EH. It is absolutely classic narcissist supply behavior that he's exhibiting, and he is trying to bait you and get a reaction, or at least to cause you anxiety. If you must respond, I would only say "Your parents were thanks verbally and in writing for each and every gift. Whatever expectation they had beyond that in terms of feeling appreciated, I can't speculate on that, nor change their emotional response to the thank you they were given."
“Make no judgments where you have no compassion.”

Mara
Fuming
Posts: 158
Joined: Thu Jul 07, 2016 2:03 pm

Re: To The PILs, everything is about money

Post by Mara » Mon Jul 22, 2019 5:47 pm

livingmylifeforme wrote:Awwe, I give *Hugs* to you, too. I agree with Melody. Get those copies in to your lawyer. Also, copies of EH saying he won’t pay a cent.

As for MIL’s gifts. Those were gifts. You don’t have to pay her back for anything she ever got you.
Thank you. Yes, I need to take the time to compile all this information. I’ve already compiled EH’s mental healthy history (dates of hospitalizations, locations, doctor names, medications, symptoms). It was pretty time consuming and stressful, despite the fact that I had much of it already put together. I started on the abuse and putting myself and the kids in danger aspect, but did not get far. I have hand-written journals, my posts on here, and many, many messages I emailed myself (recapping events or forwarding text conversations). The emails are the most disorganized. I always archived them, but I didn’t have a good system so I’m sure they are under a few different labels. And some are likely duplicates because I wanted to be absolutely sure I was keeping a record... I was having a lot of anxiety as I read through the journals/some of the emails. So many traumatic events that I had completely moved on from and forgot.

I completely agree about MIL. EH has oscillated between graciously accepting her gifts and angrily refusing to take anything from her (since he knew she used it to control). I don’t believe I owe her anything. Seeing so clearly what she is trying to do is shocking to me though. Shocking that a person could be so shamelessly immature, manipulative, materialistic, etc.
WhyOhWhy wrote:Stick to your guns and only talk about the kids or ABSOLUTELY necessary things. He's goading you into a response, and you gave it to him.
I agree. It is best for my well-being to just ignore him. It was necessary to communicate because we were having issues related to mediation, but then that opened up the door for him to give me those messages on behalf of his parents. I’ve since gone back to no contact. The scariest thing for me is if he and his toxic parents are making false accusations against me and the judge, lawyers, mediator, GAL, whoever believes them.
willthetruthbetold wrote: It appears that they thought that they could buy control over you and are still trying to do it. Your EH should distance himself from his parents so that he can get his own life and not just repeat what they are telling him. What a sad, empty life he must have with them and not with you and his children.
My FIL and MIL used money as a weapon. They used to be very abusive during visits and just after they would be particularly hurtful, FIL would pipe up with "You have to be nice to us because we're going to give you a lot of inheritance when we die." I told them that they should just spend the money on themselves which surprised them. P-BIL and GSIL were easily bought, but Marz, you and I are not. I hope that your EH grows up, grows a pair and finds a good life so that he can be an example to your children. His FOO needs to step back and let him.
So true!!! NARC FIL has never cared much for his grandkids (he routinely chastised me and made condescending remarks about don’t I know how babies are made and why did I let myself get pregnant again. The last time I got pregnant, he immediately called me when he found out and reprimanded me!!! MIL on the other hand is very needy and codependent and would love to leach on to the kids to meet her emotional needs if I let her.

It does make me sad to think about how empty and awful EH’s life must be. But this is his choice. He has chosen to put himself under his parents’ thumb. He’s completely brainwashed by them (they “SAVED HIS LIFE” when I “left him to die”).

The PILs LOVE using inheritance to control. I always told EH not to expect a single cent from them. If it happened, nice, if not, who cares? They’d always threaten “I’m taking you out of the will” or “you will never get another cent from me.” Their extended families on both sides are completely fractured due to issues with their parents’ estates. So many this person hates this person, this person can’t be in the same room as this person, etc, grandparents not allowed to attend weddings or refusing to attend...

PIL’s mom gave all the family heirlooms to one family member who refused to share with the others. MIL’s parents unequally divides their estate based on how much their children had “earned it.” One sister got significantly less than the others and demanded that they share theirs to make it fair!
JustPlainHateHer wrote:Oh my gosh, I thought mine was bad. Pure EVIL they are!
Hope you can protect yourself and your children from their vile ways.
Thank you, I agree! =)
WatchingMyBack wrote:Mara, this sounds so much like my MIL and :twisted: BIL. Keeping lists of what they'd "done" so they had "proof" to rub in our faces later. Yet any gifts we gave were devalued or the millions of favors we did for them were dismissed and, in their minds, never happened. Over and over again "everything we've done for you" was thrown in DH's face and mine ... and later, our DC.
Yes! I was so naive for the majority of our marriage. I guess that’s why I was a perfect target. I am easy going and a major conflict avoider. I always walked on eggshells to maintain peace. They were masters at blame-shifting and somehow I was always the one in the wrong. I don’t think the PILs ever apologized for anything they had done.
Melody wrote:First off (((HUGS!!!!!!))). You are fighting quite the war! And the other side (meaning JUST DH) isn't evil - just a complete mess. Your ILs are total evil!

Do you have any of these nasty threats in writing? If so, blow up your attorney's fax machine/email with copies of them!
Thank you! I do see EH so much as a victim, but he also refuses to be accountable for his own behavior and actions. He doesn’t seem to be a full- blown Narc like his dad, but he shows it at times (especially in his manic episodes). He’s truly been like Jekyll and Hyde. At times he seemed “normal” and well-adjusted, but other times he would be so controlling, manipulative, and abusive. I feel like he has some potential for redemption, but I don’t think there is any hope for his parents.

I don’t have any records of the worst of the worst (2016 and before), but I still have the text messages when he said his dad hated me and would kill me, when he said he would never give me and cent and hoped the kids and I struggled in poverty the rest of our lives, etc. He even once made a derogatory comment toward our then 7 year old daughter, unprompted, just out of anger.

Queenof3
Angry
Posts: 75
Joined: Sat Jan 24, 2015 10:43 am
Location: Linglestown, PA

Re: To The PILs, everything is about money

Post by Queenof3 » Sun Jul 28, 2019 2:03 pm

Oh, Mara...he needs to be on medication. And be placed on a psych hold. If you can get all those communications together, it might be enough to get him placed in a psych facility. Source: I'm a psych nurse in the US.

Mara
Fuming
Posts: 158
Joined: Thu Jul 07, 2016 2:03 pm

Re: To The PILs, everything is about money

Post by Mara » Mon Jul 29, 2019 5:41 pm

Queenof3 -

If you don’t mind answering, what state do you work in? We’re in Illinois and it seems extremely difficult to get someone help against their will. I know the whole “if they are an imminent threat to the safety of themselves or others” thing, but it seems like the threshold for meeting that is too high. Even after EH was admitted to the ER and put on suicide watch, he still wasn’t committed involuntarily!! Neither was he admitted involuntarily after he was put in jail for physically harming his mother.

Despite all this, he has been hospitalized “voluntarily” many times (usually threatened and coerced by his dad). I don’t know the exact number, but he has been hospitalized about ten times in 6 years (3 times in 2013, 3 in 2016, 1 in 2017, 2 in 2018, and 1 in 2019 so far).

Queenof3
Angry
Posts: 75
Joined: Sat Jan 24, 2015 10:43 am
Location: Linglestown, PA

Re: To The PILs, everything is about money

Post by Queenof3 » Tue Jul 30, 2019 12:43 pm

I'm in PA. The documentation shown to his psychiatrist and/or the police should get him brought in. He IS a danger to you and your kids. You have documented proof. Maybe when he gets angry the next time & blows up your phone, a police call might be in order.

WhyOhWhy
Fuming
Posts: 168
Joined: Tue Sep 04, 2018 7:25 pm

Re: To The PILs, everything is about money

Post by WhyOhWhy » Thu Aug 01, 2019 12:23 pm

Mara, if you keep YOUR cool, the judge will see that. They will see the other side acting all nutty. They WANT to goad you into a high-intensity anger response. That will make YOU seem unstable. Absolutely do NOT respond next time they say something, no matter WHAT sort of BS it is. Stay cool, calm and collected. Have all of your ducks in a row and just keep documenting everything. These are last ditch efforts to throw you off of your game before legal judgements are made. Stay strong. You've got this.
I will not let them drag me down to their level again

Mara
Fuming
Posts: 158
Joined: Thu Jul 07, 2016 2:03 pm

Re: To The PILs, everything is about money

Post by Mara » Thu Aug 08, 2019 10:21 am

WhyOhWhy wrote:Mara, if you keep YOUR cool, the judge will see that. They will see the other side acting all nutty. They WANT to goad you into a high-intensity anger response. That will make YOU seem unstable. Absolutely do NOT respond next time they say something, no matter WHAT sort of BS it is. Stay cool, calm and collected. Have all of your ducks in a row and just keep documenting everything. These are last ditch efforts to throw you off of your game before legal judgements are made. Stay strong. You've got this.

Ugh EH has been texting more lately. At mediation, I stuck to facts to explain how we got where we are (his abuse and uncontrolled mental illness. He struck back with false attacks against me. He claims he was “defending” himself. He keeps texting me ridiculous stuff like “my mom rips into my dad all the time but they still get along.” “Why can’t that eventually be us?” SERIOUSLY!?!? AKSOJRJDOSOAKSKAASFGJOOE! I don’t want to have a toxic dysfunctional damaging relationship like they have!!!!!!!!!! FIL treats MIL like crap and cheats on her, and MIL hates FIL and verbally attacks him. I don’t know why FIL stays with MIL, but MIL is in extremely needy person and has even admitted to me in the past that she is afraid of being alone. She’d rather stay with her vile NARC husband than be alone.


EH also wrote:
“my dad is a horrible human being but I still respect him” (because he feels obligated to respect him for being his dad!? No clue...)

“what will it take to stop all the hurtful words?” I have no clue who’s hurtful words he is referring to. It looks like clear projection to me (he is projecting his hurtful words onto me and asking what will it take for me to stop saying hurtful words?!)

Post Reply