Evil PILs (what’s new?)

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Mara
Fuming
Posts: 158
Joined: Thu Jul 07, 2016 2:03 pm

Evil PILs (what’s new?)

Post by Mara » Mon Jul 29, 2019 5:09 pm

Just spoke to my divorce lawyer on the phone. EH (estranged husband) has a new lawyer. My lawyer knows this person and said they are EXTREMELY expensive. She said EH should be sharing funds with me since he has so much money to pay a lawyer. Well this lawyer took $1,000 (which my lawyer said they wouldn’t normally even meet a client for only $1,000) and will not bill anything else until the divorce is finalized. The old lawyer was a decent, kind man (I met him at the first status date before I had my own lawyer). This new lawyer sounds like an evil, dirty, cutthroat, guy. Which is exactly what they were probably looking for. I was uncontrollably shaking while I was on the phone with my lawyer. Just all the anxiety and fear due to the trauma of past experiences and #1 worrying about the kids’ safety.

A few weeks ago, our mediation got cancelled by the mediator because FIL THREATENED her. The PILs want to be present for mediation!!! Seriously!? (This is mediation for custody issues). The PILs are not even allowing EH to travel to see his kids (which is what he has done without issue for more than a year).

On a positive note, my lawyer said the judge was PISSED that FIL threatened the mediator. It doesn’t make any sense that he has appointed another mediator, but I will just go through the motions in good faith. If it’s anything like the first time, EH AND the PILS WILL F*CK it up anyway...


Also - just got some texts from EH about how he doesn’t want to be “mean” to me “even though this divorce could have allowed for it.” And how *HE* has gotten over the pain *I* have caused *HIM.*

This is how he frames the kids and I needing to move in to my parents’ house for our own safety:
I guess you just have an intense disrespect for me since you made the decision to move our kids to your parents house with out even asking me.

EH had uncontrolled mental illness (manic episode with psychosis, Destructive, dangerous behavior, extremely verbally abusive and high risk for physical abuse, which he has been in the past, I was pregnant and the kids were 5 and 1 and I was terrified that he was going to hurt us. Before leaving, everyone (including people here) were trying to convince me
We weren’t safe. We often locked ourselves in rooms or had to leave the house about once a day because he was getting aggressive and agitated and I knew physical violence was a good possibility).

:o :x :cry: :shock: all I can say is he is helping me know beyond a doubt that I am doing the right thing. These texts are crazy-makingly absurd. I don’t know whether to laugh, scream, cry or what. It is taking all the self control in me to not respond. What should I respond?????? I don’t think there is any response that would be better than silence. He wouldn’t consider anything I have to say anyway. I’ve refuted these lies too many times and he still unwaveringly clings to them.


oh one more thing- since EH sees his evil parents currently as his saviors whom he owes everything to, he often puts his mom on the phone when he is talking to the kids. I can’t stand it. How do I deal with this? The new jerk lawyer made a point of telling my lawyer that my daughter and MIL “have a good rapport.” I am so fearful of them saying i’ve Cut off their relationship with the kids without reason (I did it for all of our safety) and I am afraid of MIL manipulating the kids into thinking she is a good person and getting them to tell the court that they want to have a relationship with her. What do I do? Let my kids talk to her? My oldest seems to like talking to her, but my oldest likely doesn’t remember all the awful crap the PILs put us through, and I don’t want to remind her :(

Melody
Nuclear
Posts: 1644
Joined: Fri Dec 20, 2013 1:28 pm

Re: Evil PILs (what’s new?)

Post by Melody » Mon Jul 29, 2019 6:55 pm

We'll HURL! Just as a thought you might have to hire a law guardian. Half will be billed to you (I know sweet.heart - trust me!) but half to him to tell a judge he and especially his parents are a loser. As much as it sucks, DO go through with this. Sorry honey!

PutMILinherplace
Enraged
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Joined: Fri Nov 20, 2015 10:46 am
Location: South Carolina

Re: Evil PILs (what’s new?)

Post by PutMILinherplace » Mon Jul 29, 2019 8:24 pm

First, dont reply. All those crazy & mean texts only help your case. Let him & his parents have that rope to hang to themselves.The fact the fool FIL threatened the mediator only helps you. No fancy expensive lawyer will change the judge being ticked off at their behavior.

Now as for the MIL, ask your lawyer if you have to let the mother talk to your kids. You only have obligation for their father. Tell him that the mother is monopolizing the time .She is taking from her son. Maybe your lawyer can let that slip to the new lawyer. Also , see if you can legally record all calls. If not, put the phone on speakerphone so you can hear it. Or at least put it on loud so you can hear everything.

This is where I am suggesting you get ....cunning. Have something for your kids to do WHILE they are on the phone; color, read, playing a video game so their attention will not be fully on the MIL. Tell them if they need to put the phone down while she is talking and go to the bathroom. That way if they or you are recording it wont sound like the kids are really interacting with the MIL.

Look when my bio-mom divorced my abusive step-dad, my uncle hired one of those bulldog lawyers. I wont go into some of the tactics . My mother (actually grandmother) said what he was suggesting wasn't fair. My uncle turned to her and said, "There aint nothing wrong with playing fair providing the other guy plays fair too. But we dont have the luxury of playing fair when the kids' safety and well being are at stake. " He was right.

WhyOhWhy
Fuming
Posts: 168
Joined: Tue Sep 04, 2018 7:25 pm

Re: Evil PILs (what’s new?)

Post by WhyOhWhy » Thu Aug 01, 2019 12:32 pm

I hope you didn't respond when your EH said that to you. Of COURSE he wants you to feel blamed. He will do anything to upset you. Just remember, at the end of the day it is HE who will be upset. As for the new lawyer, try not to let it get to you. I wouldn't change any monitary things just because he scrounged up the money for this new lawyer. If you change your game at this stage, it could create delays. Just remember: they keep shooting themselves in the foot. Stay strong and non-reactive. We're all behind you!!
I will not let them drag me down to their level again

Mara
Fuming
Posts: 158
Joined: Thu Jul 07, 2016 2:03 pm

Re: Evil PILs (what’s new?)

Post by Mara » Mon Aug 05, 2019 9:17 pm

Thank you all for the encouragement and support.

Had the first mediation session with EH today. No sign of the PILs thankfully. I made my concerns known to this new mediator and she said the only ones allowed in her building were me and EH or the mediation would be cancelled. EH couldn’t restrain himself from making some FALSE attacks against me during mediation. He even let it slip that he and his parents blame me for his mental illness. The mediator made a point to correct him on that at least. Another time, he said I “stole” all our belongings that his parents gave us. First of all, HE DESTROYED most of our possessions. Second of all, I left all the furniture that his parents gave us so they could take it. Third of all, he seriously referred to the CRIB that his mom gifted us. IT WAS A GIFT! And did they seriously want it!? For what purpose!?!?!

I tried to kept my calm and not react, but I did say no that’s not true or refute him a few times. Then the mediator jumped in to stop us from arguing. One time I got really emotional and told her it hurt that he kept saying completely false things about me. She’s also a psychologist and I’m pretty sure she could read us both (he was rigid and agitated; I was trying to stop myself from crying most of the time). I feel she let him get away with too much though because she could tell he was resistant and she wanted to keep him engaged and not feeling attacked.

EH tried to talk to me afterward. I stood there and listened to him not say much until he said the whole “you abandoned me” thing and I said “no I left for the safety of myself and the kids” and I walked away.

WhyOhWhy
Fuming
Posts: 168
Joined: Tue Sep 04, 2018 7:25 pm

Re: Evil PILs (what’s new?)

Post by WhyOhWhy » Mon Aug 05, 2019 9:47 pm

So was there any progress made at mediation? So glad you were able to hold it together. Hopefully this will be but a memory soon for you.
I will not let them drag me down to their level again

Melody
Nuclear
Posts: 1644
Joined: Fri Dec 20, 2013 1:28 pm

Re: Evil PILs (what’s new?)

Post by Melody » Tue Aug 06, 2019 8:31 am

This sounds like its going well! Its probably hard for you to see, YOU remained calm - despite the one who is juggling EVERYTHING but your EH already said some irrational things IN FRONT OF the mediator. His mommy & daddy's bad influence is already shining through. Perfect!

A close friend of mine and her EH just had an appointment with the court referee. I had been through this 13-14 years ago with the same one - and it brought back memories - like being terrified but then things worked out.

A good mediator will look like they are not taking your side - they want both parties to feel comfortable enough to open up, and it sounds like your EH is already showing what's going on. So do correct things but absolutely continue to stay calm. Don't get upset if the mediator asks you questions that are unreasonable, like "Why aren't you working full time?" (Because you're taking care of three VERY young children by yourself - DUH!). The mediator is just trying to feel you out.

Stay strong Mara! You're making good progress!

Mara
Fuming
Posts: 158
Joined: Thu Jul 07, 2016 2:03 pm

Re: Evil PILs (what’s new?)

Post by Mara » Fri Aug 16, 2019 7:51 pm

WhyOhWhy wrote:So was there any progress made at mediation? So glad you were able to hold it together. Hopefully this will be but a memory soon for you.

Well all we accomplished our first session (of a possible three) was go through our background/ how did we get here. It wouldn’t have taken so long if EH didn’t keep interrupting and going off on tangents and irrelevant false accusations. At the end, the mediator expressed that she believes we should be working towards a weekly supervised visit schedule. The second session is coming up, so we’ll see what happens. EH wants to do supervised visitations 2 hours from me and the kids (it’s even further from us than where he lives). I talked to two nonprofits, a domestic violence org and a family advocacy org, and they both said that it is ridiculous for me as the victim to have to travel so far so EH can do supervised visits. I found two alternatives for supervised visits, one is near me and one is approximately halfway between us.


I feel like EH and his parents have given me PTSD. I don’t have all the symptoms, but I have such a strong reaction of fear and anxiety whenever I am triggered or reminded of the trauma. EH just sent me a text, “It’s funny what we are finding out about you.” And I have NO CLUE what he is talking about but I immediately had a strong reaction of feeling fearful and anxious.

Yesterday, I found out more of what the PILs told the new lawyer about where I am living. A lot of ridiculous accusations that are not true. Such as that our home is DILAPIDATED!!! It is an old home, but it is clean and has had updates over the years and is not falling apart. My lawyer responded, “would you rather have Mara and the children live in a shelter?” Which was literally my only other option. I did research and contact shelters before we moved in with my parents.

Have I mentioned my heart issues? Just started a heart medication and will see an EP cardiologist soon to understand the results of wearing a Holter monitor. Pretty sure it’s all due to stress and anxiety...

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