Update: I'm mildly surprised they hate me this much

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miwako
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Update: I'm mildly surprised they hate me this much

Post by miwako » Fri Aug 02, 2019 12:16 am

I have been dreading this upcoming family reunion for some time. It was also scheduled to be Grandma's memorial, a year and a half after her passing. Because of that, both of us attending was my husband's hill to die on. I pleaded with him to just go on his own, but he refused to budge. It was both of us attending or cutting off his family which he didn't want to do, but was threatening anyway.

So I decided to try to talk to other family members. I am left completely out of the loop on the planning of anything with the family, so I sent an email to one of his aunts, the one who was pseudo hosting the event. FIL said they were considering getting an Airbnb instead of having it at said aunt's house like originally planned, so I wanted to find out where it was going to be, and what transportation in the area was like in case I needed to cut out. I asked if there were any rules I needed to know so I didn't make anyone angry, and said that I know the rule for me is not to talk around FIL. I probably could have been more polite. They're all flippant and rude to each other as a matter of course and think it's funny so I didn't think it would be a big deal. I also sent a letter to FIL telling him that I was afraid of him, and that even though he told me that if he does something to hurt me I should just say something, I still feel nervous doing that since the last time I "said something" he spent weeks screaming at both me and my husband. I said that I go into these meetings with a high alert fear response and am not going to be able to have a calm rational discussion when I feel I am being attacked, and so if anything happened I would simply leave.

Several days later I received an email from the aunt, telling me she was recovering from surgery and would get back to me later, but wanted me to know she had gotten my email. I replied and wished her well. I felt a twinge of guilt at the timing, it's not my intent to hurt anyone, I just want to work things out so this reunion/memorial is tolerable.

Then today my husband called me. Apparently FIL, host-aunt, and their sister, another aunt I hadn't even contacted had all been talking about this and sent out an email to my husband that they were "shocked and hurt" and that they have cancelled my airline ticket and am no longer invited.

This bothers me on many levels. They have said and done far ruder things to me and even each other on a regular basis, but I don't even get a reply before being cut off? You'd think I threatened to kill their children or something. And once again, they told on me to mommy, I mean my husband, because I'm not an adult worth talking to. And finally, because we had made arrangements to share a hotel with SIL, and no one cared that we'd be stuck paying for half a hotel room we couldn't use. Fortunately SIL was able to downgrade her non-refundable booking, so we aren't out $95 for nothing.

My husband has been crying all day. He told FIL he wouldn't go without me. He's called me stupid and told me I'm making end runs around him to talk to his family, because he wants to pre-approve everything I say to them. God forbid I, a 38 year-old woman, attempt to communicate with another adult without a chaperone. He claims that I'm intimidating, and that the family is afraid of me, and that's why they all refuse to talk to me and go to him every time I try to say anything to them. I think that's insane. I'm a tiny woman with joint problems, what am I going to do, cry on them? Maybe tell them they're being jerks? Oh no, the horror!

miwako
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Re: Update: I'm mildly surprised they hate me this much

Post by miwako » Fri Aug 02, 2019 12:24 am

I told a friend about this, and he said "Sounds like they need enemas" :lol:

Melody
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Re: Update: I'm mildly surprised they hate me this much

Post by Melody » Fri Aug 02, 2019 8:49 am

Take a deep breath and try to be happy about this - this had to move forward one way or another - it was dragging on and on. But I don't like that DH is turning this around on you. YOU'RE the one THEY are scared of and YOU are intimidating? Because you don't like being treated like crap?

Your DH knows you don't like being put in this position. Why does he want you there so much when it is so uncomfortable for you? Is it maybe because he needs you as a shield for himself?

miwako
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Re: Update: I'm mildly surprised they hate me this much

Post by miwako » Fri Aug 02, 2019 10:22 am

I don't like that he's doing that either. Lately he has been blaming me for everything. He has been lonely and acts like it's my fault. In 5 years his mom and grandma died, one friend moved downstate, three took jobs out of state, one flipped out on him for being the wrong political party, one had a kid, and others just aren't available as much as he would like. Of all the friends we've had since we moved here, one of them, who was diagnosed bipolar, was being an ass to me and when asked to stop responded by cutting off all of his friends. So one mentally ill person does something crazy, and now it's my fault an 88 year-old woman died of cancer and that the job market in our state sucks. I know it's all incredibly disappointing, but I'm tired of being personally blamed for everything.

miwako
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Re: Update: I'm mildly surprised they hate me this much

Post by miwako » Fri Aug 02, 2019 10:32 am

Oh, and also my husband says the ILs cc'd me on the email saying they cancelled my ticket, but I didn't get it on either of my email accounts. So I have no idea what was said, if I should respond in any way, or just give up and dark hole the whole thing. I thought about texting them to say "sorry you don't feel comfortable with me at the reunion, hope we can work something out." My husband already called Host Aunt to leave a grovelling apology about how what I did was unacceptable, which I found a little weird.

rubycrownedkinglet
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Re: Update: I'm mildly surprised they hate me this much

Post by rubycrownedkinglet » Fri Aug 02, 2019 1:49 pm

The only downside for you in this whole thing is that your DH is very upset.

He is upset because he-and he alone-decided that if you don't go to the reunion, he won't go. His choice. I'm pretty sure you wouldn't mind him going.

He may realize that you are getting exactly what you want which is to stay home. Is he resentful because you used a scorched earth technique to get it? I'm not saying it was your intention, but you go girl. You made it their choice for you to not attend.

I had a sister that would just docilely go along with everyone and suffer many things she didn't like, right until her frustration had built up to epic proportions. Then she would lash out in subtle but unmistakable ways to let everyone know she was tired of being pushed around.

Don't respond to any of it. Let the whole thing die a natural death, but help your DH accept his part of it all. If he had never tried to force you to go, none of this would have happened.
If he requires your presence to be around his family, then he lives with that choice after he accepts that you are finished with them.

miwako
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Re: Update: I'm mildly surprised they hate me this much

Post by miwako » Fri Aug 02, 2019 3:18 pm

Ruby- That is the downside! And yes, it was 100% his choice not to go on his own. His line of reasoning has varied from "leaving (me) home isn't fair to (me)" even when I suggest it to "that's not how family works," even though the other spouses show up roughly 50% of the time. I don't know if they get a pass because they have never expressed discomfort with the family, because they're men and it's less expected of them, or what. And it's not even because of work either, the most common reason for one uncle to be missing is some fishing trip.

I think he is resentful. He spent months badgering me to go, while I was crying and pleading for him to just go by himself, and all I had to do was send a 4 sentence email not even telling them I don't want to go and have them yank my ticket without another word. He has to make it my fault for being horrible to them, because if he doesn't, he'll have to face his own part in it, and that his family are the kind of people who will throw another family member away if said family member says she's afraid. While I don't think anyone owes me a trip to California, I'm uncomfortable with the way they pulled the rug out from under me like that. What would happen if they decided to do that after I arrived? Would they punitively yank my return trip, forcing me to pay for something I can't afford just to get home? This is why I'm always uncomfortable taking anything from them.

Melody
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Re: Update: I'm mildly surprised they hate me this much

Post by Melody » Fri Aug 02, 2019 4:32 pm

I'm seconding Ruby's "you go girl"! I'm finding in my own situation, DH stopped fighting for me to go along to his paaaaaaarents, hasn't pushed nearly as much to drag our kids along to see them (which I have a problem with) and finally decided that going to his brother and wife's "coffee and cake" craptastical events was painful for all of us. (Meanwhile, I thought the last on that list was acceptable as DH's brother and wife make it nearly impossible for stepmonster to be alone with the kids let alone sneak off someplace with them). But I digress.

I hope as Ruby says, it dies a natural death and that DH finally clues in that even he thinks hanging out with this @holes is a sucky waste of time.

In the meantime, two things. I'd ask DH to check those email addresses. I'm going to guess that either these cc:s were sent to "Miwaco" or sent to "Miwako@Hotmail.com" and "Miwako@AOL.com" instead of "Miwako@yahoo.com" and "Miwako@gmail.com". You and I know OF COURSE it would deliberate, and maybe it might start to add to DH's doubts.

On another note, have you and DH ever discussed moving? (A/I FAR THE HECK FROM THEM OR ANYWHERE THEY'D visit?). You've discussed money hardships (Oh, and I get it living in a stupidly expensive area), is there an area better for your career situation and quality of living? Maybe a fresh start could help?

KeeperOfPrecious
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Re: Update: I'm mildly surprised they hate me this much

Post by KeeperOfPrecious » Sat Aug 03, 2019 3:18 pm

Wow, thIs is unreal and relatable.

This is relatable because my DH’s family is the same way. You need to stop having any kind of conversation or correspondence with these people. They do hate you, and they’re locked and loaded ready for any slight move you make. At this point you can’t and will never do anything right. Your best option is to forget all about them. They are your DH’s family, his mess. His Aunt clearly has it out for you too. It’s ok to cut those ties.

I can’t believe he’s still trying to drag you into the lions den for his sake. That’s BS.

My DH tried to do this with me too. His Flying Monkey Aunt decided to throw a family reunion during our vacation in her neck of the woods. Conveniently people I wanted to avoid (people that absolutely HATE me) were invited to this wonderful shindig.

The pressure was REAL. His mother flew all the way from Florida to Illinois for the firing squad Galla. It was nothing more than one way to ruin my vacation.

I put my foot down. I was pressured heavily by my DH. His mom, Aunt, cousins, people he hasn’t seen in years would all be in attendance. His loving, supportive wife (me) pulled the plug on that. I am forever the bad guy. But guess what, they KNOW they have to get up way earlier to F with me. Lol. I did NOT cave, I stood my ground. My DH was relentless and still tried to wear me out. He said, “let’s just be the bigger people and make a showing”. Hahahahaha I told him that “bigger people do not lower themselves to join the lesser in order to be bigger”. That was the end of that. I enjoyed the rest of my vacation. I enjoy knowing I won that battle.

I DO NOT speak to these horrible people. They’re all out there still stewing and planning my demise hot and heavy, all day everyday. They ALWAYS will,

I highly suggest you tell your DH that you love him and he has your support as he ventures off to this lovely reunion. He’ll be fine. He’ll be happy he went. Nothing bad will happen to him. They probably don’t even mention you. They’ll be happy you didn’t attend.
I know that’s exactly what my DH’s family wanted.

The devil himself is impressed with her handiwork.

KeeperOfPrecious
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Re: Update: I'm mildly surprised they hate me this much

Post by KeeperOfPrecious » Sun Aug 04, 2019 11:54 am

To add and sum up my previous post, know this:

You are correct. They hate you. It’s a harsh reality. Your DH needs to accept it too.

The one thing you can do from here on out is remind yourself the J.A.D.E acronym.
Give yourself permission to no longer Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain ANYTHING, not ever again. You owe it to yourself to be done with it. It’s liberating.

The devil himself is impressed with her handiwork.

miwako
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Re: Update: I'm mildly surprised they hate me this much

Post by miwako » Mon Aug 05, 2019 11:41 am

FIL texted my husband last night to say "I hope Miwako is more relaxed now that she doesn't have to go to the reunion." Umm, okay, totally ignore that your son was refusing to go on his own and that you effectively banned him from his grandmother's memorial with zero discussion. Good job! :roll:

I've been thinking about how my husband used to try to convince me that I should never say anything to anyone about how hurt and angry I am about the way FIL has mistreated me, he always liked to say that if I did it would "destroy the family for years!" I always though that particular statement was just an example of the hyperbole common in his family, but now I see that it's true. To that I say if they're willing to fracture over someone saying they don't like someone's bad behavior, they were never a "close knit family" in the first place. My family is fractured. Before I was born my mother cut off much of her family for 20 years because of a family member's illegal drug use and theft from other family members. I cut off my mother because of years of abuse, threats, and control issues. My IL's cut me off because I said I was upset with being abused. One of these things is not like the other!

PutMILinherplace
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Re: Update: I'm mildly surprised they hate me this much

Post by PutMILinherplace » Mon Aug 05, 2019 6:46 pm

I've been thinking about how my husband used to try to convince me that I should never say anything to anyone about how hurt and angry I am about the way FIL has mistreated me, he always liked to say that if I did it would "destroy the family for years!" I always though that particular statement was just an example of the hyperbole common in his family, but now I see that it's true. To that I say if they're willing to fracture over someone saying they don't like someone's bad behavior, they were never a "close knit family" in the first place.
He just didnt want you to "rock the boat" He wanted you to put up with the abuse. He didnt care. My DH was the same way. He cared more about maintaining some illusion of peace with his mother then the fact his wife & kids were being abused. I wouldnt let him get away with it. I didnt just put my foot down I rooted it deep into the ground.

You see your DH is now having to face the reality that you do not want and will not allow yourself to be abused. You took a lot of the heat off of him. He wont admit it, mine still wont .
FIL texted my husband last night to say "I hope Miwako is more relaxed now that she doesn't have to go to the reunion."
You say, I am happy I dont have to put up with their abuse. Always turn it around and reword to say abuse. Always use that word.

He will blame you and you will have to figure out now what you will say. "Yes, surely it cant possibly be the fault of the abuser. If not allowing someone to abuse me is the cause of this then I am proud of the fact its my fault." He will be speechless because while he wont want to admit it, he knows you are right.

Photomama16
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Re: Update: I'm mildly surprised they hate me this much

Post by Photomama16 » Wed Aug 07, 2019 12:25 am

I am so sorry that you are taking the blame for all of this. Basically he was doing everything he could to keep from rocking the boat and it sounds like he was using you as a meat shield. It’s not fair, nor is it right. He needs to understand that you don’t HAVE to put your mental well being on the back burner and bear the brunt of their hatred and abuse.

WhyOhWhy
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Re: Update: I'm mildly surprised they hate me this much

Post by WhyOhWhy » Mon Aug 12, 2019 6:56 pm

At some point he'll have to realize that he's not the boss of you. You two are supposed to be PARTNERS. Let him have his temper tantrum. He'll get over it, and eventually realize that (just like a 3 year old) he can fuss, lash out and act like a child all he wants. Stand firm. It's hard on a man's ego sometimes to realize that he can't make all of the decisions and force his will upon his wife. Too bad, Honey! Your mental health is more important than being "seen and not heard". That's not healthy nor is it an adult-style relationship with people.
I will not let them drag me down to their level again

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