MIL just can’t turn it off, DH enabler

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KeeperOfPrecious
Infuriated
Posts: 333
Joined: Wed Mar 28, 2018 11:34 am

MIL just can’t turn it off, DH enabler

Post by KeeperOfPrecious » Sun Aug 04, 2019 1:07 pm

So I made an agreement with my DH that I will no longer gossip about his horrible, shrew bag NM with my SIL.

With so much material to work with, we’ve been exceptionally great little darling girls :lol: keeping our promise.

So here’s where I’m not ok. His NM can talk smack about our SIL to him, but I can’t talk true smack about his NM in private with my SIL?

I know, it’s his mommy, and his feelings get hurt, but wow. This really takes the letter I had written a few months back about transparency and removing ourselves from the triangular conversations NMIL engages in, and makes my attempts futile. Thanks DH

When I told him “hey look, I thought we were stopping this gossip thing, and we are now about transparency and putting an end to your NM’s triangular BS”... “I’ve been keeping up my end of the bargain, I think it’s unfair you’re not holding your NM accountable.” “If your NM has anything to say about my SIL, she needs to include her in on that conversation”...

DH didn’t know the right words, he backpedalled and said it was all him that said the negative, yucky stuff. Yeah whatever. Way to enable your horrible NM.

She cannot turn it off, not ever. She lives for this gossip and he still gets sucked in.

Do any of you deal with these double standards? I just threw my hands up. I’m still bothered, but wow, I wish his NM would just go away. She brings nothing good to anything in this world.

The devil himself is impressed with her handiwork.

Melody
Nuclear
Posts: 1644
Joined: Fri Dec 20, 2013 1:28 pm

Re: MIL just can’t turn it off, DH enabler

Post by Melody » Sun Aug 04, 2019 2:29 pm

First off, I panicked a little when you said you would stop gossiping about NM. I do a lot of computer work, and well, there's only so many cute cat photos we can take as a distraction! LOL!

DH's stepmonster constantly put my DH down in front of him. DH's stepmonster also used to gossip and badmouth about DH's brother and SIL.

I was able to combat it by immediately spinning the conversation around. For my DH, if for example she started putting down his hobbies, I would mention the charity event we were invited to at the country club (a little embellishment but not that much), where DH brought up comic books and ALL the men at the table (You know, the charity sponsor, the CEO, the CFO, etc.) started talking about who THEIR favorite super hero was. And yes, they all loved to stop at the comic book store on the way home from their office.

For gossip about DH's brother and wife, no matter WHAT stepmonster started to b*tch about, I would automatically take brother and wife's side even if I didn't agree with it. She did what you said? Of COURSE she did that! Anyone who is a good mother would have done the same! What other choice was there?

You get the idea. Well stepmonster hates looking stupid and being wrong - even though she does it so well! Well DH found a lot of relief in what I was doing, and BIL and SIL noticed too and started doing the same thing. Stepmonster still blabs to anyone who will listen, but that sh*t stopped with us.

If you are with DH when she does it, don't hesitate to be vocal. Its not like you have anything to lose. And if she has a problem with it, won't she look stupid complaining that you're saying kind words.

If its not in front of you, have a discussion with DH. If he does it about SIL, then he can be absolutely certain he's being gossiped about too. Even better, have DH talk to his sister. MIL can't continue to gossip if DH and SIL's communication is clear.

WhyOhWhy
Fuming
Posts: 168
Joined: Tue Sep 04, 2018 7:25 pm

Re: MIL just can’t turn it off, DH enabler

Post by WhyOhWhy » Mon Aug 05, 2019 9:56 pm

It's all so silly, isn't it? The tit for tat isn't going to resolve anything and will only create more hard feelings. I agree with the previous comment that you should get DH and SIL in communication with one another. My hubs knows I would never agree to not talking smack about his FOO, but I do it to people my in-laws would never, ever have any contact with whatsoever (completely different social circles and we live quite a distance away from the FOO). One time when my wretched monster-in-law tried to say something disparaging to my husband about one of BIL's floozies, my husband said "Look, I really don't care about his women. He doesn't involve me with them, and neither should you." That shut her down pretty quickly.
I will not let them drag me down to their level again

KeeperOfPrecious
Infuriated
Posts: 333
Joined: Wed Mar 28, 2018 11:34 am

Re: MIL just can’t turn it off, DH enabler

Post by KeeperOfPrecious » Tue Aug 06, 2019 8:46 am

Lol Melody~ I will NEVER be able to turn that off. I need to vent about the old shrew as much as possible. I love this site for the rant and fun.

First off, I wish my DH would just have a conversation with our SIL. He won’t, he doesn’t like her. He doesn’t think highly of her. I get along with her pretty well. She’s super rough around the edges, she’s very sailor/trucker-ish (meaning, she’s a guys girl, she can hang with the rough and tough) and I find her interesting. I think she’s very intelligent and she’s super wise with how to handle our nightmare NMIL. The one thing that we have in common is this NMIL. Her parenting skills are not what I would do, but whatever, I leave that alone and just indulge when she needs me and vise-versa.

Soooooo, I have to admit, I caved yesterday. My SIL called me to chat about other things, and of course, wonderful Shrew came up in convo.

It’s my DN’s bday. She’s the one that came out for a visit. (Bathing issues)... By the looks of Instagram, I think our DN has been more cognizant of bathing. She’s looking much better and grooming. She’s even cut her hair the way I had suggested lol. It was a HUGE “no way” when I had her in the chair out here... anyway, her back to her birthday. Our loving NMIL usually sends our DN a gift card for $250 EVERY.SINGLE.YEAR without fail. This year, we are guessing because she traveled to us, she received a lovely keychain with a F’ing dolphin on it. No card, just a note inside the box (wow, hmmmm come to think of it, I did something like this to my MIL, no card, just a note in a box... wonder if it stung her so bad, she’s doing it to DN :?: wow)... anyway, the note simply said that she felt like doing something different this year. She sent this cheap little trinket with note two weeks before her GD’s bday just to make extra sure it got there on time. I think she sent it early because she couldn’t wait to snub her GD...

This is what we are dealing with here. I can’t help but groan about this miserable old shrew.

The devil himself is impressed with her handiwork.

KeeperOfPrecious
Infuriated
Posts: 333
Joined: Wed Mar 28, 2018 11:34 am

Re: MIL just can’t turn it off, DH enabler

Post by KeeperOfPrecious » Tue Aug 06, 2019 8:57 am

WhyOhWhy, I love how your DH handled that conversation!!!

I wish my DH would do the same. It is silly. I think he’ll listen to his mother when it’s about my SIL because of how bad our experience was when our DN visited. I told him it still isn’t fair. That’s when he backpedalled a bit and said that he was blaming his own brother for how our DN isn’t taking care of herself. Yuck, I can’t stand the instant gaslighting. I know he had to have indulged his NM a bit there.

The devil himself is impressed with her handiwork.

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