DS doesn't want to see the ILs

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meimei
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DS doesn't want to see the ILs

Post by meimei » Sat Aug 10, 2019 1:01 pm

My DS is now 7 and I am currently pregnant with our 2nd. In-laws have always been horrible to me and DH, but they moved halfway across the country with SIL and so we don't have to see them often. I didn't think they were overly horrible to DS, although they were not close and loving people like my DP are towards DS. Oh, when we told the ILs that we were expecting, FIL said "You better figure out a way to take care of your kids" (we are doing fine, they have not now nor EVER helped us, nor have we asked, financially or otherwise, so why he said that, I don't know)
When we do visit, things are "okay", they will just make passive aggressive comments about my weight, or if we are in a store, tell me to try on things they know is too small for me and then laugh at how small it is. If I refuse to try it on, they will snark "that's because you know it's too small" :roll:

Anyway, I never badmouthed them around DS, and hoped they would at least show him love as he is their ONLY grandchild. I never kept him from them, and wouldn't unless they did anything to hurt him. I let him spend a few days with them one on one to get to know each other without me "interfering".

We were thinking about going back to visit in the fall, but DS says he does not want to see them. He would rather stay home and spend the week with my DP...which is unusual because he loves to travel and gets upset if DH and I do anything without him. I asked him why he said "They are weird, and it feels uncomfortable there".

I don't want to force him to go anywhere that makes him feel uncomfortable. But guess who will become the big bad B who keeps their precious GS from them? ugh

PutMILinherplace
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Re: DS doesn't want to see the ILs

Post by PutMILinherplace » Sat Aug 10, 2019 1:19 pm

meimei wrote: But guess who will become the big bad B who keeps their precious GS from them? ugh
News flash, hon. You are already the big bad B to them. They have been bad mouthing you you just dont know it. And frankly ,who cares if you have that rep. When I stepped up and cut all the toxic people out of my life, I embraced my inner b****h & enjoyed every min of it. They were calling me that so I told my MIL I was determined not to make a liar out of her.

I think my kids were a little younger then yours or around that age when I went NC with them. It wasn't easy with my MIL living next door but I told hubby the kids and I were out of the game, he was on his own.

But let me ask you something. Why are you even visiting them? Let DH go on his own. IF they get mad, so what? Tell DH you are prego and tired of their sh*t. This is a great time to make an excuse of not being able to go plus with a new baby on the way, really a great time to say no.

The fact the child feels uncomfortable already tells you they are not treating him right. They dont care if he is their grandchild. They are hurting him. If it were me, the children aren't allowed around them without mommy around. You dont owe them ANYTHINg
I let him spend a few days with them one on one to get to know each other without me "interfering".


THIS right here. you need to change your way of thinking. They dont have the right to get to know the kids without you. You are not interfering (that is just nonsense) you are parenting and protecting.

Melody
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Re: DS doesn't want to see the ILs

Post by Melody » Sat Aug 10, 2019 1:37 pm

I know this is hard, but do you best to not give an F about what they think. Some people are not cut out to be or want to be grandparents. On some level they probably are embarrassed when their friends brag about their grandchildren and they are more interested in their dog/sports/flower show, whatever.
DS is not under any delusion - he seems wise in the face of a sad situation. How does DH feel? If he's not excited to visit then don't bother. Why would you want the discomfort of traveling to someplace that is NOT fun when you are pregnant anyway?

DH's stepmonster had the nerve to tell DH and I that we shouldn't have any more children after DS (DH's first and my third). When DH asked why, she said because he didn't make enough money and that I have health problems. WTF? I never asked Dr. Dingbat her diagnosis. As far as I know the only "health problem" I had was gestational diabetes and b*tch kept trying to load my food up with sugar.

We never received any help from stepmonster or FIL other than stepmonster "hleping" after my son was born - via emergency c-section and DH was in the hospital. The short version - she drapped herself over our couch, blasted the TV with her violent court shows in front of my older children, demanded to be waited on, and if I asked her to do ANY task she had the most ridiculous excuses.

She invited herself back a number of times, telling me I needed help - as she sat on the couch screaming about everything I was doing wrong (and having raised ZERO children herself). She was right, DH finally helped by not making her welcome, lol.

Sorry for the long digression. If DS doesn't want to go, I'd sure want to stay home. DH can go on his own.

But more importantly, congrats on your bump! My third child is 5 1/2 years and 8 years younger than my oldest two. And my fourth 7 1/2 and 10 years younger than my oldest two. Can I tell you there is almost NO sibling rivalry? In fact they ADORE each other! (My two eldest can't stand each other). And much to my amazement they find ways to play together and have fun! I've even handed car keys and a debit card to one of the older ones to go out with one of the younger ones and they've had a BLAST! (And I've gotten out of clothes shopping, lol).

So enjoy!

Melody
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Re: DS doesn't want to see the ILs

Post by Melody » Sat Aug 10, 2019 1:50 pm

"I embraced my inner b****h & enjoyed every min of it. They were calling me that so I told my MIL I was determined not to make a liar out of her."

Ha! I didn't see PutMILinHerPlace's post before I posted (and note we're saying very similar things). I love this quote! DH's stepmonster is now afraid of me, and boy does that work out much better! There is no upside to dealing with some people! Maybe you should start actively keeping your kids away from them - or at least be sure you are always present.

meimei
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Re: DS doesn't want to see the ILs

Post by meimei » Sat Aug 10, 2019 5:05 pm

DH wouldn't go by himself, which is also me "keeping him from them" :roll:
I don't understand them....my DH's Aunt was visiting (She hates them for disrespecting DGPs before they passed) our place last week (She lives close to the ILs, although she will only see them at obligatory family events), she said at other DU's 60th bday the family was out to dinner, and my pregnancy came up, the family was talking about how how exciting it will be to have another baby in the family. the ILs didn't react, when they asked them if they were excited, MIL tried telling everyone that she didn't know that I was pregnant and that I didn't tell her. I did tell her, I was even at her house this summer showing her some baby outfits I bought. Why she told everyone that she didn't know, I have no idea.

Anyway, we will not be going to see them, I don't need that BS in my life. DH isn't insisting on going at all.

Thanks:) I am glad the kids are spaced out, my brother and sister are 8 and 10 years older than me and we didn't fight, I always looked up to them.

PutMILinherplace
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Re: DS doesn't want to see the ILs

Post by PutMILinherplace » Sat Aug 10, 2019 9:52 pm

meimei wrote:DH wouldn't go by himself, which is also me "keeping him from them" :roll:
If they are saying that, let them. Who cares. Chances are they are anyway.

If your DH says that you look at him with horror and fright and go, "Oh my goodness! I ...I ..am so sorry. I didnt realize I held a gun to your head or ran the car out of gas, or chained you down and not let you leave the house.," Then talk normal," I didnt keep you from anything . You did. I only kept my self and my children from poor treatment. Dont try to blame me for your laziness. " and then walk away. Say something to this effect EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. He will stop. :D

KeeperOfPrecious
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Re: DS doesn't want to see the ILs

Post by KeeperOfPrecious » Sun Aug 11, 2019 9:42 am

“I did tell her, I was even at her house this summer showing her some baby outfits I bought. Why she told everyone that she didn't know, I have no idea.”


I have an idea, your NMIL was triangulating that entire conversation. She withheld the news that you’re having a baby for many reasons. At this dinner, she was able to tell her version while setting YOU up to validate her own victim status in your family dispute. Classic.

I’m happy that your DH is now not insisting that you visit. My DH pulls this “I’m not going without you” routine too. It’s isn't fair and it is a form of emotional manipulation. Our DH’s have more reasons for not visiting their NM’s, we shouldn’t be the scapegoat, meatshield here. I have simply stated that “I support your decision” to my DH. He needs the reminder that it’s HIS decision. I’ve even added that his mother cannot be replaced. This was my way of pushing it in his head that in the event his mother ever drops dead, I won’t have all that BS dumped on me. I said it only once and I refuse to be blamed for any repercussion from his own choices. I will not defend myself when he’s feeling sorry he never got to see his mother again blah blah blah.. that’s been a big fear placed on me when he’d pull that “we are a team” BS. No more.


Anyway, congrats on the new baby... best wishes for a happy, healthy little one with a bright future ahead ... big hearts

The devil himself is impressed with her handiwork.

WhyOhWhy
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Re: DS doesn't want to see the ILs

Post by WhyOhWhy » Mon Aug 12, 2019 6:44 pm

I don't let what the in-laws OR my DH think about whether or not I attend events sway my decision. I am protecting my own sanity when I miss events. If DH doesn't see that, that is his own problem. Back in the days when my hubs hadn't opened his eyes yet to how horrible his family really is, I would get pressure to spend time with the in-laws. Now he joins me in not being thrilled about seeing them (because of their behaviors - he misses the parents he thinks they used to be when he was a boy). You have to get to a point where you say "Their behavior is not only toxic, but abusive. They don't want to see me any more than I want to see them, so why play this game? Go without me or don't go at all, but don't you dare lay it at MY feet if you don't go. You are a grown man and fully capable of visiting with your own parents by yourself."

Don't be bullied, Hun. He's just hoping you'll be a buffer between him and his parents. Don't back down. Honestly, he's got to face the truth with them eventually. For me, my husband knows that if I choose to spend time with his family, it is because I am feeling strong that day. He is appreciative if I do make that effort, and in return he knows he needs to be on watch to ensure that if they say/do something they shouldn't, that he absolutely will step in.

He's much better about it these days - mainly because I spoke up MYSELF a couple of times and it created a shit storm both times, and he definitely does not want a repeat of that so I just repeat the mantra "Say something about their BS behavior or **I** will" and he absolutely knows I mean it and that it is MUCH better if he does it. They still aren't thrilled if he calls them on poor behavior, but they take it better than they would if I were to do so.
I will not let them drag me down to their level again

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