Resentment towards DH and FIL

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MissResentment
Annoyed
Posts: 1
Joined: Sun Oct 06, 2019 6:08 am

Resentment towards DH and FIL

Post by MissResentment » Sun Oct 06, 2019 6:30 am

Early this year we lost my MILdue to sepsis. She had been ill for many years. I never really liked DHs parents but would be cordial with them and tried for the sake of my partner. 3 weeks after burying his mother my FIL announced he had met someone over the Internet on a chat site and she would be coming to stay with him for a week. This obviously didn't go down well and my DH cut his dad off but would ask me to ring him to make sure he was OK. I didn't like doing it but I did it anyway. A couple of months past and my FIL announced that the lady he met would not be coming over anymore. He then announced he was broke and could not afford my MIL headstone, though he had been spending on doing up his house and buying new furniture! My partner asked if he wanted to come and see the children and then they all of a sudden are speaking again. My DH has not had a conversation with his dad about any of the things that occurred after his mum's buriel. It's like it's all been forgotten. We are now expected to pay towards the headstone which would mean getting a loan, or rather Me getting a loan out. I've said no it's not happening. Everytime the FIL calls my partner it's to ask for help putting things up at his house or for something he needs. FIL never calls to ask how we are or about the kids. The past two times he's visited its been when my DH is off work and I'm in work and kids are in school. I have massive amounts of hatred towards FIL and now my resentment is trickling down towards my DH. I've asked my DH to speak to his dad about any problems he has with him instead of him whingeing about it to me. He refuses and says that it's the only parent he has left. It's driving a wedge between us now and I feel like walking away from it all.
His dad has no money for his wife's headstone but then buys brand new things. It makes no sense. He's now selling off my MILs porcelain doll collection which all the grandchildren where supposed to inherit. Any time I try to talk about any of it with my DH he agrees with me one minute then snaps at me the next and trys to turn it round on me and say that my family are not perfect and I have no point to make. I'm seriously starting to dislike my DH at the moment. Even putting DH is annoying when I'd rather put the word idiot husband or alot worse.

rubycrownedkinglet
Nuclear
Posts: 1971
Joined: Thu Mar 22, 2012 11:20 am

Re: Resentment towards DH and FIL

Post by rubycrownedkinglet » Tue Oct 08, 2019 11:03 am

Did this woman from the internet steal from him or was the money not there to begin with?
That is very concerning if he got scammed once it can happen again.

Do not give in on the loan for a headstone. Your DH is doing the being in denial, going on, letting FIL do whatever because his wife just died. That's not ok at all. Are there any other siblings? What do they think?

You can't control what your FIL does with his money but you do have a say in what happens in your household. MIL may just stay unmarked for a while.

I can relate so much to what you are going through. For me, it was my ESIL that would ask for money for one thing in desperate need, then spend the money on something completely different. Like cigarettes and beer instead of a winter coat for her child.
Infuriating! I thought I had figured out how to beat her plan by buying a booster seat for him and sending it instead of sending money, but she returned the seat to Walmart and got the cash anyway.

Sooner or later, I just stopped trying to help. So my advice would be to skip the intermediate steps and just stick to your guns-no.

Melody
Nuclear
Posts: 1637
Joined: Fri Dec 20, 2013 1:28 pm

Re: Resentment towards DH and FIL

Post by Melody » Tue Oct 08, 2019 2:19 pm

What Ruby said. I'm sure you have plenty of legitimate expenses for YOUR household. This is FIL's responsibility, not yours! (And a loan - um, yea right). It also sounds like this online woman might be an opportunist. Maybe FIL has some "gifts" he can return to come up for the funds?

MissResentment
Annoyed
Posts: 1
Joined: Sun Oct 06, 2019 6:08 am

Re: Resentment towards DH and FIL

Post by MissResentment » Tue Oct 08, 2019 4:05 pm

FIL says he has never given the woman money {which I don't believe}
My DH has a brother who is disabled and is the same as DH. He wants the headstone sorted asap. Neither my FIL, BIL or SIL work, also BIL and SIL have borrowed alot of money from DHs parents in the past and have recently bought their two children a car each(one of them can't even drive), one guess as to where the money has come from.
I have told my DH that I've had enough of them all now and I'm washing my hands of them whether he likes it or not. I've put up with their bad behaviour for 17 years and I'm done. I honestly don't know why he idolizes his dad at all. Some of the stories he tells me from when he grew up are appalling and the past two years his parents haven't even remembered DHs birthday. Makes no sense.

WhyOhWhy
Fuming
Posts: 164
Joined: Tue Sep 04, 2018 7:25 pm

Re: Resentment towards DH and FIL

Post by WhyOhWhy » Thu Oct 10, 2019 5:52 pm

Just say no, Hun. If it means that much to your husband, he will find a way to put in more time at work or raise the money to help. If that's not an option for him, then clearly he is in NO position to help. Just say no. It is not your responsibility to pay for your MIL's headstone. One of my dear friends just went through this, and as a result her FIL ended up finding a much smaller stone. Honestly, why the need for a super expensive stone? The woman is dead, and after the next 2 generations pass, it's unlikely anyone will even remember her to bother to see the stone to care how big it is. Sorry to be so blunt about death, but there it is.
I will not let them drag me down to their level again

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