I feel lost, I don't know what my next move should be...

Talk about anything and everything in-law related.

Moderators: Phred, meimei, willthetruthbetold

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Angeleyes2423
Annoyed
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Joined: Thu Oct 17, 2019 11:47 pm

I feel lost, I don't know what my next move should be...

Post by Angeleyes2423 » Fri Oct 18, 2019 12:01 am

As of last week, I no longer have social media accounts. This was my first conflict with my DH's family. We shared a Facebook account, there were people on our newsfeed that I had never met personally, most we never knew were related to one another or not unless it was someone in the immediate family.

One of our Facebook friends, in particular, I am always liking things she posts or commenting on them. She always shares beautiful quotes and pictures etc...
This particular day she shared a picture of what appeared to be two hard-working people she noted them as her parents.. I reacted with a heart. a few days later I was confronted by my father in law and a family member.

I was told that I really hurt my DH's stepmother and her family because I reacted to a post that involved a family conflict...

I did not even realize this woman was apart of my DH's extended distant family.. and I didn't mean anything by my reaction.

for that our family unit has been destroyed.

I am so aggravated and upset because I had to delete my post, I apologized publicly and privately to the people I apparently offended with my heart...

to this day my father in law and I have not spoken

I found out a couple of days ago that my husband's mother has been texting him and siding with her ex-husband... my DH's father...

she pretty much took up for the father and said that I needed to let things go...

Everyone I confide in tell me how insane and pathetic they are... I have a big heart... i am always thinking of what i may have done wrong or could have done differently..

I AM SO CONFUSED.. SO UPSET and lost... like how can one heart reaction cause so much pain?

its a really messed up situation

I don't know where to go from here... what to do...

holidays are coming up also this is the second year without my brother since he passed away its already going to be hard... things have just got harder

miwako
Nuclear
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Joined: Sat Jun 09, 2012 10:11 am

Re: I feel lost, I don't know what my next move should be...

Post by miwako » Fri Oct 18, 2019 10:52 am

So if I understand you correctly, your in-laws were feuding with distant family members, and you weren't aware of either their feud or even their relation to the in-laws. Then those relatives posted something that you positively commented on, and the in-laws flipped out. That's it right? Not even a thinly veiled negative comment in that post from the relatives about MIL being crazy or anything like that?

If so, they're crazy. They're mad that you "took sides" against them in a fight you didn't even know they were having. My advice is to drop the rope. You already apologized for this perceived sleight, that is more than enough. They'll either realize they're isolating themselves with this crazy behavior and let up on it, or they're the type of people who feed on conflict, in which case there was nothing you could have done to prevent this. They were looking for a reason to fight, and they were going to find one, no matter how minor or ridiculous. If not this, there would have been something.

I'm sorry for the loss of your brother. Having a real loss like that makes dealing with nutjobs so much harder.

WhyOhWhy
Fuming
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Re: I feel lost, I don't know what my next move should be...

Post by WhyOhWhy » Fri Oct 18, 2019 2:14 pm

You had good intentions, showing "love" and support on a post that you did not fully understand the hidden meanings behind. For someone to get upset with you for that, clearly they already had that bullet in the chamber, Hun. Your FIL already wanted an excuse to shut you out and finally found something to use against you. If that were not the case, any normal human being would have realized that you are outside of the situation and couldn't possibly have known the dynamics enough to steer clear of reacting in any way to the FB post. They seem to have been looking for an excuse and found one in your naive and thoughtful "heart".

If FB serves you to stay in touch with people, then get your own FB account and only add people who uplift you. Don't add in-law family members, especially if your in-law family is as fractured and infighting as you suggest. Have your own account for your own family and friends and enjoy being in touch with THEM. Only allow people on your friend list who are genuinely supportive and positive influences in your life.

Otherwise, if your decision is to stay off of FB altogether, then enjoy the peace and just steer clear of that family. They sound like a real shit show that you're better off avoiding whenever possible.
I will not let them drag me down to their level again

jigglypuff
Nuclear
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Joined: Mon Nov 21, 2011 6:32 am

Re: I feel lost, I don't know what my next move should be...

Post by jigglypuff » Wed Oct 23, 2019 2:48 pm

These people just want to find a reason to hate you. You've apologized and they are like a dog with a bone and won't let it go, that is not your problem. That's their problem. I'm sure you're a kind hearted person and that's why they're targeting you. Evil hates anything that's good. Don't let these people get to you hun, they are nutcases and if you pay attention to the stupid things they say and do, they'll make you crazy too. I learned that lesson the hard way. They are not worth the stress or even a second thought.

They don't don't want to talk to you? Take it as a blessing because these toxic morons would only ruin your life if they do. They exited out of your life for your benefit. It may not seem that way now but it will down the road.

I'm very sorry about the loss of your brother. The best thing you can do right now is separate yourself from your ILs completely. You don't owe them anything. Don't over extend yourself to people who don't deserve you. Focus on those who love you and your own emotional well being. I hope you and your loved ones have lovely, stress free holidays.
'As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am... That you're not here to ruin it for me'

KeeperOfPrecious
Infuriated
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Re: I feel lost, I don't know what my next move should be...

Post by KeeperOfPrecious » Thu Oct 24, 2019 9:34 am

I agree with the others


And, I am so very sorry for your loss of your brother. That’s extra hard during these rifts.

Just know that social media such as FB is not healthy. It has this extra crazy way of taking away real connection with one another. Memes, photos, likes, loves, angry etc... In your case it has been used against you as a tool to display their dislike of you. It’s cowardly in most cases.

My MIL used to do her real communication specifically through social media. She’s a F’ing coward. She will sit in my living room and post remarks, uncomfortable questions and dislikes when she can simply look up at me and tell me these things in person. She has my cell phone number, but when she wants to tell me she’s unhappy, it’s far more beneficial to blast it and have an audience. There’s a real disconnect with people who pull this crap.

I think your dumping FB was the best move. These people don’t need any kind of peek into your life. They can call or message you for the important and more personal stuff. It shows their true feelings without the keyboard warrior, bully, cowardly junk.

Important photos, trips, and simple sharing get sent specifically to those that care. It’s fsr better this way. And it makes it more special when a friend gives or receives shared experiences that’s between two.

Know this:

These people know your heart, and you know theirs. Don’t let FB or any other social media define any of that

The devil himself is impressed with her handiwork.

willthetruthbetold
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Re: I feel lost, I don't know what my next move should be...

Post by willthetruthbetold » Mon Oct 28, 2019 7:12 am

I agree with the others who as always have amazing insight and thoughtful responses.
I would add that the loss of your brother and the grief that you feel, especially at holidays, is really the important thing for you right now, and your ILs should be genuinely nice to you. They shouldn't be giving you a hard time, especially about something so trivial as a FB "like."
What does your DH/SO say?
You could always reinstate your FB account and then just block your ILs. They wouldn't know.
Finally, I'd tell them that you can "like" whatever you want on FB or any other social media, and that they should concentrate on fixing their family issues rather than trying to create more by criticizing you.
I think they are treating you badly. Don't do like I did and not stick up for yourself. I tried to be nice and they mistook my manners for weakness. If I had to do it all over again, I'd have told my ILs to mind their own business a thousand times.

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