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Talk about anything and everything in-law related.

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New here

Post by Not_a_minion » Mon Nov 11, 2019 6:39 pm

Married for many years. Very opinionated, controlling, intrusive inlaws who constantly offer unsolicted advice. They try to involve themselves in our decisions and think they actually should have an equal say. When I am with them I hear “you should...” a hundred times in a day and sometimes even “you have to...” when I disregard MIL’s advice she gets more aggressive and pushy. She becomes panicked when she can’t control us. They try to make future rules for our children by stating what their rules were for my husband and SIL as teenagers, and then authoritatively state, “so it’s going to be the same for you.” An example would be curfew times, gas money, after school jobs, etc. I have a lot of stories about the appalling things they have said and done. My husband let it happen, he never stood up to them for me or our children until recently. They completely crossed the line and did something so appalling, so over the top that even he could see how overbearing and out of line they were. He told them very nicely but very clearly that it wasn’t their place to do what they did, and that we are the ones in charge of our children and ourselves, we make the decisions, and they had no right to do what they did. MIL cried because that was the first time he had ever directly stood up to her. She cried because she was not going to control us. After that I told DH they were coming between us, and our marriage was not going to work unless he was willing to put his wife and kids’s feelings and needs above those of his parents. For years he stood by and let me endure all the misery and hurt feelings just because he didn’t want to hurt theirs. He finally got it and everything started making sense to him, he could finally see things from my perspective. We talked for hours about the boundaries we need to set and what behaviors are not going to be tolerated. He then had a long talk with them about everything, it was a very cordial conversation and they were somewhat apologetic and receptive. I don’t expect them to change their ways overnight, but I do expect my husband to have my back 100% of the time from now on.

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Re: New here

Post by Melody » Tue Nov 12, 2019 4:26 pm

Welcome Not_a-minion! It sounds like things are going the right way.

Is you DH (and any siblings) perfect? No? Well, just maybe your IL's didn't do everything the right way! <Insert GASP! here> They had their chance!

You and DH need to discuss this as in what to do when MIL starts in with the pushiness crap. If you get up and leave, or start to go less and less contact, maybe she'll clue in. She doesn't get to make the rules for YOUR kids.

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Re: New here

Post by WhyOhWhy » Wed Nov 13, 2019 10:18 am


From the sounds of your story, you might want to consider pulling back on how often they are over your house as well as how often you share information about your children. If they ask probing questions about how you handled some issue or another with your kids, politely but firmly tell them "That is between my husband and I, but thank you for your concern. Now, how about that hobby/job/favorite sports team of yours?" and change the subject. You have as much control over how much info they get as he does. You both need to stop sharing so much with them and let them realize that the "rules" they set for when your kids visit their home is one thing, but what you do in your OWN home is another.

Time to pull back a bit, Hun.
I will not let them drag me down to their level again

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Re: New here

Post by PutMILinherplace » Sat Nov 23, 2019 10:56 am

Not_a_minion wrote:
Mon Nov 11, 2019 6:39 pm
I don’t expect them to change their ways overnight, but I do expect my husband to have my back 100% of the time from now on.
I keep saying this and its true

You can not change someone's behavior, you can only change your reaction to it.

If you train yourself to the belief that they will always be that way, you will never be disappointed or shocked at their behavior.

Also, I liked a reaction friend had to their inlaws. His MIL was carrying on about rules and how the children would be raised. He did a gentle side hug and said, "Well fortunately you are just a grandparent , not a parent and you dont have to worry about any of that. That is our job, not yours ." She was speechless, and he walked off. Whenever she started on something, he would wag a finger at her and say the same thing in a tone like you would tell a child. It peeved her off so bad, but it got the point across.

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Re: New here

Post by willthetruthbetold » Mon Nov 25, 2019 6:41 am

Welcome to the forum, Not_a_minion!
You wrote your story beautifully, and it's essence is so similar to many peoples' experiences here, including mine. I'm glad that your DH figured things out before it destroyed your love for him, hurt your children and ruined your marriage. The key was that he stood up for you, something that many of us here have longed for. Some never get that from their DH/DW/SO.
I hope that he keeps working on keeping your ILs within the boundaries that you set. Keep us posted!

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