Cancerous Brother-in-law

Talk about anything and everything in-law related.

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Whydoineedaname
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Cancerous Brother-in-law

Post by Whydoineedaname » Sat Nov 16, 2019 2:47 pm

I can't do this anymore. I hate my brother-in-law. I have said it all morning, out loud, multiple times. I hate him I hate him I hate him.

I went out for a few hours last night and my loser blackout drunk brother-in-law showed up on our doorstep 5 min before I came home. He is currently mooching off his gf who lives a few blocks away from us and can see our house from her place. The very definition of someone too close for comfort is an understatement here. As I take off my jacket and boots, my husband asks him to leave because he fell into our Christmas tree I had just set up that very same day and broke a bulb off it. My husband counts to 10, asks him to leave again. To which loser BIL gives him the finger and calls him a B!+(#. And now the fight begins as my husband tries to physically force his much taller brother out of our house. This serious piece of trash for a human kicks our window beside our door and breaks it, puts a hole in the drywall, destroys our coat rack, bends our metal shoe rack, smashes my husbands glasses. Once he is outside he proceeds to kick our truck. I hate him. I can't even wrap my head around it. None of my family has ever come over and committed property damage. I try so very hard to maintain a nice, safe home for our children and it makes me physically ill to see how all my hard work is effortlessly destroyed in just minutes because of this disgusting human filth. My family suggests a restraining order and to lay vandalism charges, but how well would that work when going to my husbands family functions? This person is literally ripping our family apart in one way or another. This isn't even the first time he has completely ruined my evening, day, or family function. The last time he went black out he used our kitchen as a place to relieve himself, in front of a few of my family members, at my sons baby shower.

Any suggestions would greatly help either on how to go forward with this person being somewhat in my life due to marriage, or how to get over this pit in my stomach he gives me from looking at the damage the house has sustained.

jigglypuff
Nuclear
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Re: Cancerous Brother-in-law

Post by jigglypuff » Mon Nov 18, 2019 2:41 pm

My family suggests a restraining order and to lay vandalism charges, but how well would that work when going to my husbands family functions?
I think you should take your family's advice. It's bad enough he gets into a scuffle with your husband and destroys your property but he relieved himself in your kitchen like a stray dog? Good Lord! You are tolerating too much from this man. If your ILs think you're terrible for actually protecting and standing up for yourselves and your children by getting law enforcement involved, they can suck eggs. This man can harm your kids! Get away from him, don't let him in and stop communicating with him until he becomes sober and apologizes for his actions. Although I doubt that will ever happen because he's shown everyone that he's a pos.

If that means not going to IL family functions anymore, then stop going. Protecting your family and home is more important than pleasing those people. If they don't get that, then the entire family is problematic, not just your BIL. It has to stop.
'As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am... That you're not here to ruin it for me'

Whydoineedaname
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Joined: Sat Nov 16, 2019 1:58 pm

Re: Cancerous Brother-in-law

Post by Whydoineedaname » Tue Nov 19, 2019 7:21 pm

Loser BIL wasn't allowed over after pissing on the floor until he apologized, fixed our toilet seat he broke, and paid us the $400 in gas money he owed us from the previous summer. That lasted about a month and a half. My jaw hit the floor when he came over and he tried to shake my hand like we were "cool" or something. I directed him to the garage where I told him how much of a piece of shit he was. He vowed to be a different person. I just effing hate his guts. So far it turns out that I won't be in town for my MIL's Christmas gathering, as I had booked a trip with the kids to visit my father's family that lives a 14hr drive away (2hr flight we're taking). I booked it in September, prior to her picking the date. I hope I never see BIL again.

willthetruthbetold
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Re: Cancerous Brother-in-law

Post by willthetruthbetold » Mon Nov 25, 2019 6:54 am

Hello Whydoineedaname, and welcome!
I'm sorry that your BIL has a drinking problem that is affecting your DH's family and I hope that it doesn't happen again.
You didn't ask for suggestions, but I would like to offer a few:
1. Install security cameras around your property. They could even be night infrared trail cameras that don't require wiring. Don't tell your BIL about them. They are there to capture photos and video in the likely event he will come back.
2. Find a time when your BIL is sober and talk to him, or have your DH talk to him. Tell him that his drinking makes him turn into someone that you don't want to be around, or have your children exposed to and suggest a program like Alcoholics Anonymous. Try to be kind and think of what it might be like if you were the one that had his problem and how you would like to be approached. Tell him that you hope that he can find a way to sobriety where you can be around him again, but until then you would like a break. You may be saving his life, as much as you probably don't want to right now.
3. Make sure he doesn't have access to the inside of your house, or a key.
4. Next time he shows up at your house and he's drunk, tell him to go away and then call the police. Try to capture as much as possible on the security cameras and your camera/phone.
5. You are responsible for your children's safety, and that includes protecting them from seeing a grown man urinating in their house, fighting with their father or destroying your walls and windows. If he does anything like that again, use the police report (from calling the police) and the photos and video (from your phone and security cameras) to get a restraining order.
6. You do not have to go to your IL's events. I validate your thoughts and feelings. It's really, really OK not to go.
Good luck!

rubycrownedkinglet
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Re: Cancerous Brother-in-law

Post by rubycrownedkinglet » Sat Nov 30, 2019 11:49 am

WTF, Melody! I thought I was reading a post about my EBIL. Not for the first time, I've wondered if our ILs are related to each other. :lol:

Like WTTBT, I'm giving unsolicited advice, buuuut: It's time to tell your DH that letting BIL in the house must never happen again. He has used his last pass and failed miserably. He has earned a total black hole from you and very limited contact from your DH, if at all.

If he is an alcoholic, continually "forgiving his trespasses" is really just enabling him. It isn't something he can talk away. I think I would discuss with my DH the possibility of cutting him off until he is sober. I also second the thought that having your children exposed to his behavior is harmful in the way that it raises their tolerance for bad behavior and lowers their expectations of decent behavior not just from family, but from others in their future lives.
I've never been a person who believes children should be sheltered from seeing people drinking, but I think the example should be moderation.

Whydoineedaname
Annoyed
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Re: Cancerous Brother-in-law

Post by Whydoineedaname » Sun Dec 01, 2019 1:10 am

Update: MIL stopped by last week after she dropped BIL off at his gf's place down the road. I told her I won't be here for when she has her xmas gathering and she moved it to the day I get back!!! This is coming from the same woman who complained about not coming to my bachelorette party (no parents invited) so my sister threw a bridal/stag party just for her and she bailed THE DAY OF cuz she was tired coming back from visiting her family on the other side of the country. I have 2 under 2yrs with me travelling.

I also showed her what her son did and she didn't even bat an eye. Hopes he overcomes this "phase" he's in...

Now what do I do?

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