Update on my Golden SIL

Talk about anything and everything in-law related.

Moderators: Phred, meimei, willthetruthbetold

Post Reply
willthetruthbetold
Moderator
Posts: 4124
Joined: Tue Nov 06, 2007 4:33 am

Update on my Golden SIL

Post by willthetruthbetold » Mon Nov 25, 2019 7:59 am

Golden SIL called my DH recently, angry that he hadn't called her on her birthday or sent her a gift. She told DH that he "needs" to call her on her birthday. :shock: DH pointed out that he had texted her in the middle of a busy workday. In truth, he didn't really want to talk to her because she had told him awhile back that he was a "bad brother" and also didn't want to drop everything at work to listen to GSIL ramble on for an hour about inane things. GSIL has never apologized to DH about this, even though he has told her that it wasn't a nice thing to say to him.
GSIL tried to grill DH about our family, asking all sorts of questions about DH's work, trying to find out about our finances, asking about our DD (who GSIL hates for no reason), and then started complaining about me. GSIL blames me for all sorts of things- FIL not being allowed to come visit us (because no one wants to see him), our DD not wanting contact with GSIL or FIL (because of the terrible things they've said and done to her), our DS not wanting contact with GSIL or FIL (same reasons as DD's), and even DH's desire not to have FIL come visit (because he doesn't want the stress). GSIL threatened to send FIL here anyway. This started a huge argument with DH, who had to explain all over again that FIL is toxic and rude.
GSIL's DD, who I call Felony-niece, is close to having her baby. GSIL has been trying to undermine FN during the whole pregnancy, tempting her with drugs "to make her feel happy, to feel good" and to FN's credit, it appears that she has been able to stay off drugs despite GSIL's constant temptations. FN and her baby daddy, who I call Drug Boy, live with GSIL and pervert-BIL. It sounds terrible, but I think that Drug Boy needs to have a paternity test done when the baby is born because FN seems to have conceived the baby prior to FN and Drug Boy even meeting. GSIL is trying to tell everyone that FN is just having a very large baby, but it's already bigger than the average infant born in the U.S. In fact, GSIL is trying to get the doctors to deliver the baby "early" so that FN "will stop suffering." GSIL can't stop her Munchausen by Proxy, using and abusing FN. It's all a mess.
DH told GSIL that she owes me an apology for some of the terrible things that she's said and done. GSIL said that it's ME that owes HER an apology. DH asked what for, and she couldn't give one example other than I haven't talked to her in a few years. The reality is that DH asked me NOT to talk to her anymore, because she was writing me ugly emails that just kept getting more and more bizarre.
I think that GSIL should be focusing on her own family, taking care of FN (GSIL said that she will not be doing any babysitting), trying to keep Pervert-BIL sober (he drinks to blackout and the paramedics keep getting called) and "managing" FIL's money (she keeps siphoning funds off to pay for her shopping addictions). She messed up her DD and DS, she has no business being around my family, especially my grandchildren.
DH told her to stop calling him because it stresses him out. He told her that he has issues with what she's said to him in the past. She pretended that she didn't know what he was talking about. DH reminded her about them. I'm SO GLAD that he's finally standing up to her!
I don't have any reason to apologize to GSIL, and I won't.

jigglypuff
Nuclear
Posts: 2299
Joined: Mon Nov 21, 2011 6:32 am

Re: Update on my Golden SIL

Post by jigglypuff » Mon Nov 25, 2019 12:49 pm

Why does your DH pick up the phone for this nutcase? Her nonsensical ramblings are clearly that of a deeply, mentally disturbed woman. Is she on meds?

She sounds like she's holding in a lot due the trouble within her own family and spews it onto everyone else.

You're right, you don't have anything to apologize for and even if you did, I would still have advised you not to bother. People like that aren't worth apologizing too. I could apologize to my SIL for cursing her out after she and her family screwed us over multiple times but I refuse. They did a lot more damage to me then just my one time of going off on her. They never once acted like they were sorry or admitted their wrongs for all that did to me for so many years. To hell with them.

That entire family is going down in a fiery blaze. Just sit back and enjoy the show.
'As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am... That you're not here to ruin it for me'

willthetruthbetold
Moderator
Posts: 4124
Joined: Tue Nov 06, 2007 4:33 am

Re: Update on my Golden SIL

Post by willthetruthbetold » Tue Nov 26, 2019 8:15 am

Jigglypuff- Thank you for your thoughtful reply.
Yes, GSIL is on medications, lots of them. She is a hypochondriac and also has inherited MIL's diagnosed mental disease.
I would have been more sympathetic over the years if I had known that MIL and GSIL had these issues, and if they had been honest and said something. Yet I think that they also wanted to control me, and they were also just mean people. MIL, FIL and GSIL definitely wanted to control DH and were unhappy that he left home early to go off to college, even though MIL and FIL had stolen the money he had earned himself to pay for his tuition.
It didn't matter who DH married, anyone that he chose -and not MIL and FIL- would have been the target for MIL, FIL and GSIL's undermining and near-constant attempts to break us up.
GSIL has said and done so many horrible things over the years to every member of my family. Now she wants us to forget all of that.
One of my best friends said that he honestly hopes that GSIL doesn't apologize to me, because then I might have the dilemma of having to pretend that I "forgive" her, that I believe that her apology is sincere which it definitely will NOT be, and that it would just be a manipulative ploy to wrangle DH into submission. And she might begin trying to manipulate DH into taking over the care of FIL, sending him out here for a "temporary" visit, hoping I will start funding FIL's senescence so more of his estate will go to GSIL. He thinks that it would be best if GSIL continues to want me to apologize to her.
The question is: Would any of you give an apology to an IL if it caused harmony in the family, even if you have nothing to apologize for?

PutMILinherplace
Enraged
Posts: 847
Joined: Fri Nov 20, 2015 10:46 am
Location: South Carolina

Re: Update on my Golden SIL

Post by PutMILinherplace » Tue Nov 26, 2019 11:49 am

duplicate post. Sorry
Last edited by PutMILinherplace on Tue Nov 26, 2019 3:03 pm, edited 1 time in total.

PutMILinherplace
Enraged
Posts: 847
Joined: Fri Nov 20, 2015 10:46 am
Location: South Carolina

Re: Update on my Golden SIL

Post by PutMILinherplace » Tue Nov 26, 2019 11:54 am

willthetruthbetold wrote:
Tue Nov 26, 2019 8:15 am

The question is: Would any of you give an apology to an IL if it caused harmony in the family, even if you have nothing to apologize for?
This is a GREAT question with a 2 part answer.

Frist, it wont cause harmony. Dont kid yourself and I would tell hubby just that. Anyone who thinks it will is foolish or sticking their head in the sand.

Second , if you did you would be lying. That would make you a liar. Wouldnt it? Think about that for a sec. By saying you are sorry for something you did not do or not sorry for , would make you a liar!

Back when my DH was still a DUH, he tried to have me just to say sorry for something to dear mummy (that I was not sorry for) I asked him was I regularly a liar? He was stunned and sputtered no. I told him then I had no intention of becoming one. I told him I value my reputation , and soul (we are very conservative Christians) far too much to reduce myself to lying. 8)

Now some other things:
willthetruthbetold wrote:
Tue Nov 26, 2019 8:15 am

I would have been more sympathetic over the years if I had known that MIL and GSIL had these issues, and if they had been honest and said something.
Mental illness is no excuse for abuse nor does it automatically dissolve ones responsibility for their actions. DH tried this on me once (as did my own mother). He tried to argue that his mom was crazy and had mental illness so we shouldn't just shut her out of our lives and that of the kids. I told him yes she defiantly had issues but that didnt mean she was crazy. I asked if she could control the crazy? Control who she abused. Crazy people cant control the crazy. They are crazy/abusive to EVERYONE not just a select few that they are trying to manipulate. I asked my DH was his mother really crazy then or just evil? He had to stop and think. He didnt like the answer though now he not only accepts it , he agrees.
One of my best friends said that he honestly hopes that GSIL doesn't apologize to me, because then I might have the dilemma of having to pretend that I "forgive" her, that I believe that her apology is sincere which it definitely will NOT be, and that it would just be a manipulative ploy to wrangle DH into submission.
Forgiveness is NOT forgetting what the other person did so that they can do it again nor....and this is VERY important...does it mean that one escapes the consequences of their actions. I can go out and murder someone and be very , very sorry. The family could be very forgiving but that doesnt mean I get out of the punishment. You need to tell DH that. Yes, you of course forgive her (gag) but that does not in any way mean you trust her, that had to be earned again and it will be harder, and you dont like her nor do you want to be around her. If she were not related to DH you would have nothing to do with her. Being related doesnt automatically guarantee a relationship especially after what was done. You might be polite but nothing else. You really dont like her and dont want to have a relationship with her. It has nothing to do with holding a grudge, you dont hate her but do not like her. And really dont want to waste your time or energy on someone you dont like when you could focus it on someone you do like. Warning: your DH's head may explode at that point. Mine did. :lol:

rubycrownedkinglet
Nuclear
Posts: 2000
Joined: Thu Mar 22, 2012 11:20 am

Re: Update on my Golden SIL

Post by rubycrownedkinglet » Tue Nov 26, 2019 1:38 pm

willthetruthbetold wrote:
Tue Nov 26, 2019 8:15 am
The question is: Would any of you give an apology to an IL if it caused harmony in the family, even if you have nothing to apologize for?
Awww, hailll naw! [In Redneckian]

I have apologized to people in work situations even though I didn't think I had anything to apologize for. It was because I believed we'd truly had a misunderstanding where both of us thought we were right and we both apologized.

I apologized to the ILs several times for things that I did wrong, way in the past. I said I was sorry when I incorrectly jumped to a conclusion based on a story I was told. I said I was sorry when my memory failed me and I said something false. I apologized if I woke someone who was sleeping or had to change plans I'd made, etc. You know, the basic missteps that happen in life.

The one thing that was common among my ILs was that they had no idea what I was talking about. I'd say, "I'm really sorry I remembered that wrong. You're right, that was the Thanksgiving of 2001" or whatever, and they would look at me like I was wearing a bra on the outside of my shirt. They really didn't know what to say and acted like they were disappointed that I ruined their crowning achievement of proving me wrong or having bad things to say about me by taking the easy way out and apologizing.

They, on the other hand, never apologized for anything. If they stepped on my foot, it was in their way. Was I trying to trip them? The whole thing was so awkward because they couldn't even apologize for an accident without giving me some kind of leverage that they would never, ever deign to give me.

It was a mine field. I can't believe I just suffered them in silence so long without complaining to DH who hated them more than I did.

PutMILinherplace is totally right about the harmony part. It'll never happen. I must admit I was grateful that ESIL herself never came close to apologizing. Her DH tried-just to smooth the way to ask for money, but we didn't bite.
To thine own self be true.

jigglypuff
Nuclear
Posts: 2299
Joined: Mon Nov 21, 2011 6:32 am

Re: Update on my Golden SIL

Post by jigglypuff » Tue Nov 26, 2019 6:21 pm

The question is: Would any of you give an apology to an IL if it caused harmony in the family, even if you have nothing to apologize for?
Funny enough, been there, done that and it was an epic fail.

I once had, what I thought was a peaceful sit down with ESIL on Thanksgiving at MIL's house. ESIL denied she ever did anything to me and told some bold faced lies right to my face. I let it go because after 6 years, I wanted peace between us. After our convo, we hugged and apologized for hurting each other. ESIL left the room with a big smile on her face. About a week later, I see her again at MIL's bday party where she begins to ignore any contact with me and she's visibly pissed. I later learned she lied and told the ILs that during our private convo, I had claimed to have evidence of EBIL cheating on her. I even had proof that she was lying but the ILs chose to believe her anyway. I had a feeling to record our conversation that day because I knew she'd do something like this and I kick myself every day for not doing so.

Even after all that, I apologized yet again, desperate for some peace between us. I asked EBIL and ESIL over for dinner to have an open conversation. Of course ESIL flat out refused because she didn't want to be exposed and trip over her lies. Things escalated from there and the ILs began to act out at us without ever hearing our side of things.

I hate that I ever bothered to reach out to her but everything that occurred was a blessing in disguise because it led to us going NC. Yet the ILs want us back in their lives even after we were so unfair and cruel to them. They must really be gluttons for punishment huh? :roll:

Anyway, even if your SIL apologizes, don't say anything and don't accept it either. Just say ok and move it along. Regardless of how the evil ILs view you, you're not the bad guy here. You don't have to prove that to anyone. You and God know the truth and that's enough. Karma is already making rounds on your GSIL.
'As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am... That you're not here to ruin it for me'

WhyOhWhy
Fuming
Posts: 205
Joined: Tue Sep 04, 2018 7:25 pm

Re: Update on my Golden SIL

Post by WhyOhWhy » Fri Nov 29, 2019 2:06 pm

I've never found an apology to help, whether I felt I did anything wrong that moment or not. I HAVE said "I'm sorry you were upset by that", and it mollified for a moment, but of course it did not stop the smear campaign. But, to be honest I couldn't care less about any of that. I did it because it would make my hubs happy, and he saw that it was futile, so he hasn't asked me to do that again. His family has done far worse than anything I've even thought of doing, and they have literally NEVER apologized for a single thing. He knows that, and realizes they never will because they are not sorry one bit.

Time to put a bit more distance between you and them, I say.
I will not let them drag me down to their level again

Post Reply