Holding a Grudge

Talk about anything and everything in-law related.

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Holding a Grudge

Post by PutMILinherplace » Fri Oct 23, 2020 4:45 pm

Saw this quote today from Toby Mac
Toxic people will try to make you think you're holding a grudge. Nah. That's a boundary.
I have had several people who had told me while my MIL was still alive that I was holding onto a grudge and should just forgive my MIL. I asked them "Are you really suggesting I forgive? or just ignore their abusive behavior and not rock the boat?" Of course they don't want to answer that.

I think that is something we all second guess ourselves on. Are we really holding a grudge or not allowing ourselves to be abused? We should continually tell ourselves its the later.
You cant set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.

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Re: Holding a Grudge

Post by livingmylifeforme » Fri Oct 23, 2020 8:04 pm

This is something I really needed today. Even though I know I made the right decision cutting my in laws off, sometimes I do question myself and even do sometimes think that maybe I am just holding a grudge and that it really isn’t a big deal. Then, I think about EVERYTHING that happened, and then go “Yeah, this really was the best decision.”

So thank you so much for sharing this with us!

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Re: Holding a Grudge

Post by Melody » Sun Oct 25, 2020 2:19 pm

Some people do hold grudges. Cutting off someone toxic who repeatedly causes issues or threatens your well-being, is not holding a grudge. And as for these people who criticize, the definition of insanity is trying the same thing, as in dealing with someone who is incorrigible, but expecting different results.

I have not experienced what you have PutMILinHerPlace, as most of DH's family and even stepmonster's is sane and realize that she is the problem. DH's brother and SIL tried to get us to commiserate with them to, I don't know, "take one for the team" but i was like screw that! Why? It only encourages the toxic person and causes collateral damage to your own family.

I did experience something similar with my ex's family. Some said that I should "forgive him" and "kill him with kindness" and then "why do you continue to punish him". Meanwhile, as my lawyer put it, he has never done anything he is supposed to do. And since I bred with an @hole, we have children together. As DH puts it, that I DON'T hold grudges because ex gives me (and him) so many new things to be annoyed about.

PutMILinHerPlace do these people who have criticized you have no lives of their own, or have they been sheltered because they don't have life experience and/or have no reference to what you are talking about?

Or better yet, maybe they're sick of hearing the toxic person whining so if you play nice nice, they won't have to hear them complain anymore.

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Re: Holding a Grudge

Post by WhyOhWhy » Wed Oct 28, 2020 4:30 pm

I needed this reminder today for another situation within our extended family, so thank you.

Personally, where my own in-laws are concerned I feel that the two concepts (holding a grudge vs. setting boundaries) are not mutually exclusive 8)

I freely admit that after so many years of BS from the in-laws, all of the cruelties and games they've played, that there are some things that go beyond the ability to forgive. There are some lines you just shouldn't cross. After years of being loathed for no reason other than the fact that I made my husband happy (and then went on to give him some beautiful children and a continued 15+ year marriage that is still going strong) I have to conclude that they actually in their "heart of hearts" (although I don't truly believe they are in touch with their hearts) wish us misery.

I DO feel pity for their inability to understand true love. I DO feel pity that they are miserable and unable to see how much they are truly blessed in life and to appreciate those blessings. I DO feel pity that they are all embroiled in a very toxic co-dependent-and-trauma-bonding relationship with one another. I really do.

But just because I feel pity for them, and some compassion (mainly because I actually am in touch with my heart) doesn't mean I can ever fully forgive them for what they've done (repeatedly) to our family.

At the same time, I have to protect my family from their toxic games.

I know that God would probably want me to forgive, and maybe one day I will truly find that place of forgiveness...but today is not that day.
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Re: Holding a Grudge

Post by rubycrownedkinglet » Wed Oct 28, 2020 5:43 pm

WhyOhWhy wrote:
Wed Oct 28, 2020 4:30 pm
Personally, where my own in-laws are concerned I feel that the two concepts (holding a grudge vs. setting boundaries) are not mutually exclusive
If someone had told me I was "just" holding a grudge shortly after WW-IL, I would have denied it. Saying such a thing almost seems to dismiss that there are sometimes valid reasons to cut people off and move on. Those are the boundaries. I had just two people seem judgemental about it. They didn't have the right to judge my grudge. Maybe they were looking through their own filters of what family SHOULD be. When the unknowing accuse us of holding a grudge it's like saying it's our choice. Not always.

Truth? I was absolutely holding a grudge, mostly against my ESIL. A grudge is the continued resentment against someone, justified or not. I own that. DH's grudge was against EBIL and even today, if the topic comes up he expresses freely the resentment he felt. His favorite expression is that he "wouldn't piss on EBIL if he were on fire."

The real issue was that neither of the children of DH's adoptive parents gave a sh!t about us beyond what we could do for them. They pretended to keep the PILs happy and to keep the gifts coming. We had been fooled for years! The truth of how they really felt was a bitter pill. Bitter is how it felt and how I felt about them for years. If that's not a grudge, I don't know what is.

Maybe the reason it rankles to be accused of holding a grudge is that it is assumed to be our choice. The truth is that if I could have, I would've let them-and thus myself-off the hook and held no resentment at all. I tried, believe me, but something about the particular buttons they pushed and my not so perfect character made that impossible for me.

What allowed me to get over my grudge and to again see the world without the stain of my resentment for them was the passage of time, and lots of self-awareness. Or maybe it was that they died? Hmmmm.

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