Of Thanksgiving and Obedience

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SonOutLaw
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Of Thanksgiving and Obedience

Post by SonOutLaw » Thu Nov 26, 2020 11:27 am

It's been a while since I visited the site in a bit. I hope all of you are doing well. This site is like REAL family in that we can all share our experiences and help to interrupt the situation (read the room!). I know I've learned a lot.

After 2 years of silence, my mom called us today. It was very interesting. Quick background: my mom has treated our children and my wife like lessers while holding up the goldens. We've quietly taken it for years while having a blow up every so often. In my family, mom is the leader and my dad has been whittled to a nub. He gets it, used to fight it, but now accepts the dominance. My brothers also go along, hoping to stay in her good graces and receive her blessings. We blocked their phone about 3 years ago. My last interaction was with my dad, he came up to our house unannounced and told us "mom said you wouldn't let me in". We accepted him into our home and took him to dinner. I told him our issues with her in very clear language and that she was not welcome in our home due to her behavior. He opened up that living with her is tough, she has been equally nasty to neighbors and he has considered divorce (this is the second time in my life he brought that up). My mom is full of anger/hate and loves to cause division between friends and family.

This afternoon, the phone rang and it's mom. Initially, her voice was shaky "I want to wish you a happy thanksgiving". "How is everyone?" "How are things going with COVID?" I cut her off immediately. I told her she is full of hate and her attitude of having the moral high ground is not working. Her tone immediately shifted from shaky/emotional to dominance. She talked over me. She said she did not know what I was talking about. She accused me of being the hateful one. "Tell me one lie I have told!" I gave her a few high-level examples where she has not communicated with us in years, she cut us off from family and would call my dad (when he was here alone) and tell him he needs to get home. She again repeated, "I don't know what you're talking about. Tell me what I've done".

I did not bite. I let her know she was angry and hateful and I was explicit that I wanted her to hear her son tell her that. I told her she had lost the battle, we know who she is and the pattern/history of her creating these divisions are clear. I told her that I let my dad know all of this when he was visiting. She claimed he told her nothing, and I told her that he (along with my brothers) are afraid of her and I was not surprised. We do not fear you and you will not be coming here.

She claimed that she's been praying and she's at peace. I told her that was sick and that no caring/Christian person could act as she does to create division against her own son. She again claimed no idea what I meant. She said that she was sorry she had upset my Thanksgiving (that was her goal!) and I told her that not only was I not mad, but that I could hear the anger in her voice. I then took control of the call, "Look, I can see this is not going anywhere and we'll be ending this call. I want you to know, again, that your petty....<CLICK>". She hung up (as she always has done).

Thoughts?

Here is what I see:
She was looking for us to either sweep it under the rug or beg for forgiveness. Instead, she got a full-frontal assault. Is this the best tactic?

PutMILinherplace
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Re: Of Thanksgiving and Obedience

Post by PutMILinherplace » Thu Nov 26, 2020 2:27 pm

YES! Next time I would say she did NOT ruin anything, you are glad to get the chance to once again be clear that you are done with her bad behavior. Trust me , that statement will drive her nuts. :twisted:

Deal with it just as you did. Perfect.
Last edited by PutMILinherplace on Fri Nov 27, 2020 1:57 pm, edited 1 time in total.
You cant set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.

SonOutLaw
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Re: Of Thanksgiving and Obedience

Post by SonOutLaw » Thu Nov 26, 2020 2:32 pm

PutMILinherplace wrote:
Thu Nov 26, 2020 2:27 pm
YES! Next time I would say she did ruin anything, you are glad to get the chance to once again be clear that you are done with her bad behavior. Trust me , that statement will drive her nuts. :twisted:

Deal with it just as you did. Perfect.
One thing I noticed is a constant is the need to draw the person into making an accusation. For some reason, this is EXTREMELY important. My mom's lies are things we can never bring up. Promises of money, gifts, and visitation for the GKs are the main things that have never lead to action on her part. Over and over they would make promises of things we neither asked for or wanted and then not deliver. We NEVER asked WHY these promises were not kept. We know she has reasons (control!), but for some purpose, my mom NEEDS me to make the accusation against her. I know better. It will just be circular logic and claiming not to understand.

We believe that these stories, like what happened today, give her the narrative to go tell the family how horrible we are. She NEEDS us to be her foil in order to gain sympathy from the others. It's sick.

WhyOhWhy
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Re: Of Thanksgiving and Obedience

Post by WhyOhWhy » Sat Nov 28, 2020 4:32 pm

Great clapback of your mother's attempts to gaslight and/or upset! I think that now that you've taken control of that situation, next time you should just let any calls go to voicemail. I think these folks like the attention, even if it is negative attention.
*** The North Remembers ***

Melody
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Re: Of Thanksgiving and Obedience

Post by Melody » Sun Nov 29, 2020 1:25 pm

You handled this perfectly. How interesting that she was a little nervous at first- it does take guts to call after not doing so for two years. It sounds like she did somehow expect you to be thrilled that she paid you a little attention and that maybe you would apologize for whatever contrived reason she could come up with. She was probably expecting a total rug sweep as in, you've had two years to get over "your issues".

But WTF?

If she had ANY remorse over missing out on contact with you for two years (I couldn't imagine not talking to my child for that long!), she would have at absolute bare minimum eeked out a "I don't know what I did", or "Can we start fresh?", or something to that sort.

You said that YOU went on the attack, but really it sounds like it was the other way around. She called with no intention to try to resolve anything or make it better, or even be pleasant.

I would almost feel bad for your dad, but like my FIL, he's an enabler. He'd rather try to make someone happy who is impossible to make happy then treat his own son and his family decently.

I worked briefly for the big card company. They really need to make cards for people like her. If the mood strikes you, ignore her all of December, but send her a "Happy Martyr's Day" card in May.

SonOutLaw
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Re: Of Thanksgiving and Obedience

Post by SonOutLaw » Sun Nov 29, 2020 5:20 pm

Melody wrote:
Sun Nov 29, 2020 1:25 pm
You handled this perfectly. How interesting that she was a little nervous at first- it does take guts to call after not doing so for two years. It sounds like she did somehow expect you to be thrilled that she paid you a little attention and that maybe you would apologize for whatever contrived reason she could come up with. She was probably expecting a total rug sweep as in, you've had two years to get over "your issues".

But WTF?

If she had ANY remorse over missing out on contact with you for two years (I couldn't imagine not talking to my child for that long!), she would have at absolute bare minimum eeked out a "I don't know what I did", or "Can we start fresh?", or something to that sort.

You said that YOU went on the attack, but really it sounds like it was the other way around. She called with no intention to try to resolve anything or make it better, or even be pleasant.

I would almost feel bad for your dad, but like my FIL, he's an enabler. He'd rather try to make someone happy who is impossible to make happy then treat his own son and his family decently.

I worked briefly for the big card company. They really need to make cards for people like her. If the mood strikes you, ignore her all of December, but send her a "Happy Martyr's Day" card in May.
Thanks for the input Melody! I say I went on the attack because in a previous blow up (about 5 years ago) I stayed pretty calm and told her very factual things she had done to create divisions in my family. She did not believe them then, but it eventually wore her down. After that, we had contact and things slowly got back to dysfunction. This time, I avoided giving her any facts/evidence and repeatedly told her what a horrible, angry, hateful person she was.

I agree with you, she was after three things:
  • Check to see if we'd let it go.
    Ruin Thanksgiving.
    Get some negative attention.
We don't have any contact with them since she called off Christmas 3 years ago. At that time, she called the week before their visit and said they could not come for some reason (no big deal), they would be up in January (never came) and their "gifts" for the GK arrived the day after the phone call. She shipped the GK gifts before calling so this had all been planned.

These events, where she isolates or excludes us from family (and goes to the goldens) cannot be seen as anything else but pure hatred. We've got plenty of these stories over the years. Any time they are brought up WE are painted as the ones who didn't want THEM to come up. It's infuriating.

jigglypuff
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Re: Of Thanksgiving and Obedience

Post by jigglypuff » Tue Dec 01, 2020 5:47 am

This hit home for me because I also have a toxic mother. My two Aunts, my mom's sisters, are actually worse than my mother which is saying a lot. The three of them always cause drama and try to cause division within the family. It may be mean to say this but truth is, there will be peace once they all die.

I'm sorry your mom is behaving this way but it probably felt really good for your to get that off your chest. Your mom is the one who is losing out. She's filled with bitterness and hate. Was she abused as child? My mom and Aunts were. My GM really did a number on them.

Unfortunately, they never change. Your mom will never see the light and neither will mine. It must be a crap existence not to be able to love your own children. She doesn't love the goldens either, it's all about power and mind games. It's a sickness.

I hope she didn't ruin your Thanksgiving. She is just looking to feed her narc ego. I hope your Christmas and New Year's are drama free!
'As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am... That you're not here to ruin it for me'

SonOutLaw
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Joined: Fri Dec 24, 2010 10:03 am

Re: Of Thanksgiving and Obedience

Post by SonOutLaw » Tue Dec 01, 2020 12:43 pm

jigglypuff wrote:
Tue Dec 01, 2020 5:47 am
This hit home for me because I also have a toxic mother. My two Aunts, my mom's sisters, are actually worse than my mother which is saying a lot. The three of them always cause drama and try to cause division within the family. It may be mean to say this but truth is, there will be peace once they all die.

I'm sorry your mom is behaving this way but it probably felt really good for your to get that off your chest. Your mom is the one who is losing out. She's filled with bitterness and hate. Was she abused as child? My mom and Aunts were. My GM really did a number on them.

Unfortunately, they never change. Your mom will never see the light and neither will mine. It must be a crap existence not to be able to love your own children. She doesn't love the goldens either, it's all about power and mind games. It's a sickness.

I hope she didn't ruin your Thanksgiving. She is just looking to feed her narc ego. I hope your Christmas and New Year's are drama free!
Thanks for the well wishes, jigglypuff! I hope you and your family had a great Thanksgiving and wishing you a most excellent Christmas and New Year.

Our families are similar, my aunts are also heavily involved in the division. Both aunts married abusive husbands, are divorced, and constantly targeted our family. My mom never protected or separated us from their negativity. While my mom and her sisters were not abused, they did grow up in an unusual home. My GPs were both hearing impaired and they grew up in a poor county in West Virginia. I'm sure they were both excluded in general and protective of the parents. I don't know if the GPs were abusive as both had passed when I was young.

The mentality to push out any outsiders and disavow friends quickly for small issues has been a constant from them (mom and aunts) my whole life. I noticed after going away to college that I was now cut out from certain communications. Moving away from home after college only made it worse. Mom is very tight-lipped on ANY information within the family (aunts, cousins, brothers, etc). We know from her enjoyment of gossip that information is definitely flowing from other directions.

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