Is it weird that I don’t like my in laws?

Talk about anything and everything in-law related.

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Tara123
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Joined: Tue Dec 15, 2020 5:17 pm

Is it weird that I don’t like my in laws?

Post by Tara123 » Tue Dec 15, 2020 5:44 pm

I got married 2 years ago to a wonderful guy! SO I may just be a horrible person in saying this but I really do not like my in laws. My PIL have been nothing but sweet to me but I just don’t like them. I don’t like the way they treat my husband. They kinda expects things from him. And when he does something really nice they never say Thank You. When they have done something wrong they won’t apologize to him. My PIL are nice people I guess but I find them super annoying. I mean out of everyone you meet during this life there are people you just don’t like right? They are not bad people and they may have not done anything bad towards you but does anybody else feel this way? I have tried soooooo HARD to try to like them. But everything they do irks me from the way they talk to the way they eat and everything in between. I have gotten to the point my anxiety shoots up anytime my husband asks to have dinner with them.

I also hate getting my parents and PIL together. My husband always thinks it is a wonderful idea and I would hate to break his heart but it is more of a chore for my parents to spend time with his. It’s like awkward silence majority of the time. They have NOTHING in common. My parents are young active people where as his is a little older. My parents have never said anything to me but I know they hate having to go to all the family events my husband’s families throw. My husband has 2 sisters and 1 brother all living in the same state as I and my parents do. They are all married with children and have dinner events all the time. My parents try to engage and be a part of everything. My husband’s family is a little vulgar on topics and get a little too intoxicated during casual dinners that my parents are not used to. Thankfully my parents are too polite to every say anything to me about it. They don’t want to put me in the middle but I just know if they are ever given the option of not having a relationship with my in-laws they would be glad and so would I! Am I being unreasonable? Please let me know.

rubycrownedkinglet
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Re: Is it weird that I don’t like my in laws?

Post by rubycrownedkinglet » Wed Dec 16, 2020 5:21 pm

No it's not weird at all. Especially in this group! I wouldn't feel badly about it. Welcome.

I'm not sure how I feel about including both sets of parents in family times. We never did that, even though they lived in the same town for many years. I could see though how it might not be too bad for you, because at least you have someone to talk to. One of the biggest conflicts is over what holidays, etc are spent with which family, and that's one less thing for you. But I know what it's like to feel like you want to enjoy an adult relationship with your own parents and you can't do that when there are always others around. Maybe broach the subject with your DH that you think all the parents (and others in the family) would enjoy having their separate time to spend with you as a couple.

My DH's adoptive parents were definitely not anything like me or my family, or DH for that matter. They were super-country, redneck, proud of themselves for getting by with no education, etc.

Each and every time I was in their presence, I couldn't wait to leave. I internally screamed at myself to hold on, I will make it until the end of the visit. As we all got older, I was able to express some honest opinions from time to time, but mostly my words were ignored to the point that I would be interrupted as if I weren't even speaking. DH was their golden and they wanted to hear from HIM. At some point I started just finishing my sentence under my breath and nobody even noticed. DH caught me once saying "blah, blah, blah" to finish my sentence as I was being talked over. In private, later, he said it was rude. I agreed. Rude begets rude.

As for my parents, who were total opposites of the ILs, they only were subjected to them a few times. Other than random times they ran into each other around town, the last time they had a meal together was when FIL stuck my dad with the check at our rehearsal dinner. That'll leave an impression. :lol:

Melody
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Re: Is it weird that I don’t like my in laws?

Post by Melody » Wed Dec 16, 2020 6:27 pm

Welcome Tara as I haven't seen you post before.

No, you're not weird. I mean, look here's a website dedicated to this and there are others. I liked my ILs from my first marriage (it was my ex that is an @ss) and like most of my DH's relatives - some more than others. Its only one that I absolutely can't stand and by default, her enabler.

You say your PILs are nice. Just from what you've said, maybe they aren't so. They sound like they are pretty passive aggressive when it comes to your time and family commitments. There also seems to be a take with no give relationship with his parents. I'm willing to bet if he stopped helping, you would be be blamed.

PutMILinherplace
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Re: Is it weird that I don’t like my in laws?

Post by PutMILinherplace » Thu Dec 17, 2020 9:09 pm

No, you most certainly are not weird. I had an issue some years ago with a friend of my DH's. DH could not get through his head that his friend did not like me (and I couldn't stand him) . "Everybody loves you," Dh would say. I would counter with "No that's not true and its ok. Not everyone loves or even likes everyone. There is NOTHING wrong with that. "

Now I do think you need to be perfectly honest with your husband. You need to tell him something along the lines of,

"Hon, I know you have visions of everyone getting together as one big happy family. But we are adults and we know sometimes we have to face the reality of things. I will go along with you because I love you but frankly, I don't not enjoy being with your family. We have nothing in common, we don't like or even hate the same things, etc. And that's ok. There is nothing wrong with them and there is nothing wrong with me. Now my parents have been suffering through this for you and I have no intention of asking them to do it anymore. They don't enjoy it at all. I would never even dream of asking your parents to be around people they frankly don't enjoy being around and I will not longer ask them to do so. "

As far as breaking his heart, yes, this might be disappointing for him but he is an adult and he needs to face reality...its call maturity. And honestly let him live this fantasy where later on some blowup happens and things are said that shouldn't be said will hurt him worse. Plus, I don't know if you have kids but you need to be honest now before the kids come along.
You cant set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.

jigglypuff
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Re: Is it weird that I don’t like my in laws?

Post by jigglypuff » Fri Jan 08, 2021 11:42 am

Like the others have said, not everyone has to like each other. Maybe your gut instinct is telling you that something is off with these people even though you may not have seen evidence of that with your own eyes. I didn't like my EBIL and his now wife the minute I met them. My gut instinct was spot on.

I tried getting the ILs and my family together on some occasions but both work and driving distance was an inconvenience and my family didn't really like my ILs anyway. So I decided to keep them apart as much as possible. My parents did family functions separately and it worked great for them. No drama whatsoever. So I figured we'd do the same except DH did not want to do that at all and would end up staying with me and my family. Of course the ILs were not pleased with this even though we spent most of our time with them since we all lived about 5-15 minutes from each other.

My point is, nothing you do is going to please everyone so don't bother trying. If you feel like it would be better to keep your families apart, then do it and spare your poor parents the misery. Maybe only bring them together for a large occasion like Thanksgiving, Christmas, a wedding or something like that. They aren't obligated to spend time with your ILs anyway. I know your DH would prefer it remain the same but your parents aren't getting any younger, why make them suffer through all that? Make time for them separately.
I had an issue some years ago with a friend of my DH's. DH could not get through his head that his friend did not like me (and I couldn't stand him) . "Everybody loves you," Dh would say. I would counter with "No that's not true and its ok. Not everyone loves or even likes everyone. There is NOTHING wrong with that
Omg DH would say the exact same thing whenever I told him his family hated me. Tbf though, the ILs pretended to like me around him but when he wasn't present, something nasty was always said to my face. Thankfully I was able to show him proof of their behavior through FB. That helped him see that they were the problem.
'As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am... That you're not here to ruin it for me'

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