Checking In After The Holidays

Talk about anything and everything in-law related.

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WhyOhWhy
Fuming
Posts: 239
Joined: Tue Sep 04, 2018 7:25 pm

Checking In After The Holidays

Post by WhyOhWhy » Mon Jan 11, 2021 2:26 pm

Just checking in...

How long did it take before the brief attempt at pleasantness over the holidays was cast aside and their real selves came rushing right back in?

For us, it took less than 48 hours before the usual passive-aggressive digs made their way to us...you know, just in case we got the wrong impression during the holidays that there could be some progress in relations with them.

Spoiler: With narcissists and personality-disordered individuals, there **IS** no "progress". They are not capable of it. Any pleasantness serves a purpose, and will be discarded as soon as that purpose has been fulfilled. If they think they can hurt your feelings, they absolutely will. They will TRY, I mean.

We have been on to the games for some time now, and so when the predictable return to cruelty resurfaces, we often repeat a phrase heard on a Chris Rock special once: "That train is NEVER late".

How about you all?
*** The North Remembers ***

Melody
Nuclear
Posts: 1725
Joined: Fri Dec 20, 2013 1:28 pm

Re: Checking In After The Holidays

Post by Melody » Tue Jan 12, 2021 8:14 am

WhyOhWhy - you'd think that with a physical distance, that inlaws could at least hold it together for video chats. That's just sad.

Regarding DH's paaaaarents, they never even made it to the "big" holiday finish line. DH was annoyed when I called it before and refused to participate in sending her/telling stepmonster the kids "wish lists" because she doesn't use them, and even seems to go out of her way to avoid getting ANYTHING on them. Instead one of the four kids gets something expensive, oversized and takes up too much space, and the others get irrelevant clearance bin crap - some with red stickers still on them. I told DH that if he still wanted to entertain it, dealing with the "list of disappointments" was his problem.

When we saw them in person at BIL's house before Thanksgiving, stepmonster started in with the usual badgering for a "wish list" for the kids. That and subtle anti-semitic comments (I'm half Jewish and by default the kids are technically Jewish).

Then for the following weeks, during DH's busiest time of the year, she kept calling and badgering him about where to buy things and how to do it. (Never had a problem setting up go fund mes for herself - now all of a sudden computers are scary). Several calls later then she says that she'll just send money. DH complains to me, "Then WHY did she insist on asking for a wish list?" I respond with a "Duh, why do you think I get annoyed when all she does is waste my time!?"

So two days before the big holiday (which is Christmas Eve for them as was for my dad's side), FIL calls up with a "Christmas is cancelled! Mom is in the hospital"!

So much barf and so much drama in these two sentences. DH - as always - is triggered asking if he has to run up there. (Ughhh!!!) But no, its just a routine thing - yet again.
Meanwhile, DH's and my kids are on break from school and two are home from college plus one SO. After YEARs of running up there to be treated like garbage, zero effort on the IL's part, and having the kids subjected to blatant favortism, there was never any plans to go there this year, lol.

So here it is, two and an half weeks later - nothing for the kids. And honestly, it been very zen! They didn't even notice/ask because they did well from us and our sibs - the aunts and uncles. There was no favortism, and no junk to dispose of!

Melody
Nuclear
Posts: 1725
Joined: Fri Dec 20, 2013 1:28 pm

Re: Checking In After The Holidays

Post by Melody » Tue Jan 12, 2021 9:47 am

Melody wrote:
Tue Jan 12, 2021 8:14 am
WhyOhWhy - you'd think that with a physical distance, that inlaws could at least hold it together for video chats. That's just sad.

Regarding DH's paaaaarents, they never even made it to the "big" holiday finish line. DH was annoyed when I called it before and refused to participate in sending her/telling stepmonster the kids "wish lists" because she doesn't use them, and even seems to go out of her way to avoid getting ANYTHING on them. Instead one of the four kids gets something expensive, oversized and takes up too much space, and the others get irrelevant clearance bin crap - some with red stickers still on them. I told DH that if he still wanted to entertain it, dealing with the "list of disappointments" was his problem.

When we saw them in person at BIL's house before Thanksgiving, stepmonster started in with the usual badgering for a "wish list" for the kids. That and subtle anti-semitic comments (I'm half Jewish and by default the kids are technically Jewish).

Then for the following weeks, during DH's busiest time of the year, she kept calling and badgering him about where to buy things and how to do it. (Never had a problem setting up go fund mes for herself - now all of a sudden computers are scary). Several calls later then she says that she'll just send money. DH complains to me, "Then WHY did she insist on asking for a wish list?" I respond with a "Duh, why do you think I get annoyed when all she does is waste my time!?"

So two days before the big holiday (which is Christmas Eve for them as was for my dad's side), FIL calls up with a "Christmas is cancelled! Mom is in the hospital"!

So much barf and so much drama in these two sentences. DH - as always - is triggered asking if he has to run up there. (Ughhh!!!) But no, its just a routine thing - yet again.
Meanwhile, DH's and my kids are on break from school and two are home from college plus one SO. After YEARs of running up there to be treated like garbage, zero effort on the IL's part, and having the kids subjected to blatant favortism, there was never any plans to go there this year, lol.

In fact, our Christmas was rather perfect at home with our family of 7. And everyone seemed to enjoy the zoom call with MY side of the family. We didn't do one for his.

So here it is, two and an half weeks later - nothing for the kids. And honestly, it been very zen! They didn't even notice/ask because they did well from us and our sibs - the aunts and uncles. There was no favortism, and no junk to dispose of!

evilebroodovipers
Angry
Posts: 43
Joined: Tue Dec 15, 2015 1:02 pm

Re: Checking In After The Holidays

Post by evilebroodovipers » Tue Jan 12, 2021 1:14 pm

:( I hit complete rock bottom after the holidays.
I had finally had enough, and when mils Christmas card arrived, I threw it out. First time in 20+ years. To me, the card means Nothing. My ds name is usually spelt wrong, and its very impersonal: to us from mother (never mom). Never a gift or a personal letter like she gives everyone else. It's just a "spoon" to stir the sh*t pot.
When he didn't see a card, Dh said "I guess my mother doesn't love me", and that's when my brain broke.
It didn't seem to matter that
1) mil did Not inform dh when his father died
2) his wife and children never got a birthday card as long as he did
3) his entire family gives us the silent treatment
4) we were the only aunt and uncle not invited to his Godchildren's weddings
I felt like all my research and sharing about mils narcissism were just a waste of my last 10 years. I felt like he didn't notice or care that His family was treated like sh*t
I used to think dh "got it", but now I feel so devalued :( all because of an insincere card

WhyOhWhy
Fuming
Posts: 239
Joined: Tue Sep 04, 2018 7:25 pm

Re: Checking In After The Holidays

Post by WhyOhWhy » Mon Jan 18, 2021 2:44 am

@Melody: Ugg! As you know, I can SO relate to the "wish list" vs. reality (and "gift" issues in general). I'm convinced that none of it is accidental and in fact is a planned cruelty. Folks like that seem to get off on tossing out a slight, a dig, and/or a "message" during the holidays. Interestingly, I thought the holidays were supposed to be about setting aside any nastiness and spreading love and good cheer, but what do I know, right? :lol:

I'm so glad you had a peaceful holiday without them and had a nice zoom call with your family! My kids got nothing either, but that was fully expected.

@Evilbroodofvipers, since your husband said "I guess my mother doesn't love me", wouldn't that suggest that he does "get it" on some level? Mine has selective memory about the many, many, many times his family has slighted us at times as well, but in recent years does finally see it for what it is. It can take time for these men to admit to themselves that their families are toxic and that they aren't actually capable of unconditional love (or any kind of healthy love, for that matter). Hang in there, maybe he's close to an epiphany after the card.
*** The North Remembers ***

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