Husband passed away -Are they still considered my IL's

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Husband passed away -Are they still considered my IL's

Postby Furious DIL » Sat May 30, 2009 12:51 am

It has been a while since I posted. It has been almost 2 years since my husband passed away. I wrote a few posts about the despicable behavior of my IL's. The posts were about how they treated me after my husband passed away - as if my husband and I were going through a horrible divorce. They treated me as if I was their enemy and going to take away their Grandchildren. Never once considering that their son loved me and that we had a beautiful loving marriage for 10years. I was just the port hole for the children.

Fast forward -- I am doing much better and it seemed as if they were calming down as well. Opps! Wrong assumption. IL's are just as disgusting as ever. I have tried to let the kids spend as much time with them as I can ( busy schedule 2 young/active kids). They see them at least once a week or every two weeks. I thought that was generous considering how much they talked about me behind my back.

They are the best two-faced phoney people I have ever met. Over the past year they have showered me with how wonderful they think I am and what a wonderful mother I am. And then I get the inside scoop from my SIL that IL is telling BIL that I am ungrateful for all the things IL's do for me. Which buy the way is nothing. IL's take me to dinner or buy me gifts or give me gift cards and plants on special occassions. Including my wedding anniversary which just past this past Monday DH and I would have been married for 12 years. How cruel. IL's think they are being nice by acknowledging it and give me a card telling me how important I am to them.

My MIL had surgery and I took the kids over to see her (thought that was a nice jester) and today found out that my SIL told my BIL that I am a B-tch and wouldn't even help my MIL and I am so horrible for not doing more for them since they are so nice to me. HA! Total lie. Why is he such a Jerk. She is not my Mother thank Heavens.

Too many stories too many lies over the past 2 years to talk about. I know that they talk about me but when I actually hear the real evidence that they are I get hurt all over again. They don't care about me but act like they do to my face. I have tried to be a decent human being and keep getting slapped in the face. I know I do it for my children but how much more do I need to take from these wolves in sheep clothing?

I was wondering if in the eyes of the law, I am no-longer married are they still considered my IL's? I hate them and would not like to let them have that title any more.
Furious DIL
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Re: Husband passed away -Are they still considered my IL's

Postby Belle » Sat May 30, 2009 4:06 am

Please accept my condolences on the loss of your husband. I am so sorry that you are having to deal with such petty people after such a loss. There is no law that makes them remain your IL's, it is up to you to sever the relationship if you feel the need to. Are they good to your children, or is there a chance that they speak ill of you in front of them? If so I would say it is best to cut them loose. I have a MIL myself that claims she will tell my kids their father and I kept them away from her on purpose, thought that is not the case, so I can understand how horrible these MIL's can be. You have to do what is right for you, and think about your children. I know it's a difficult position to be in, but only you know the whole story. Many blessings your way...
Whoever coined the term "Monster-In-Law" must have been acquainted with mine.
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Re: Husband passed away -Are they still considered my IL's

Postby milesaway » Sat May 30, 2009 9:45 am

You are in a tough spot... as Belle mentioned I would examine how they treat your children. How do your children feel about them? I would also tell your SIL that you know what they really think of you and that it's too painful to hear their comments. It seems perhaps she might have some issues with them and is getting back at them by giving you this information (not saying she's evil, just that there must be some motive - I've been guilty of the same thing) That way you can make whatever effort YOU deem proper without the feedback on how it wasn't enough. Having said all this, I just wanted to commend you for your efforts thus far with your late husbands family. It sucks that they seem to include you as their family but then stab you in the back to everyone else. What was your relationship with them like when your husband was alive? Maybe this is who they really are and he had been holding them at bay... IDK. Regardless, I would take a step back. You are already VERY generous with the time you allow your children to share with them. Continue to do what will allow you to walk with the knowledge that you did right by them. Who cares what they think!
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Re: Husband passed away -Are they still considered my IL's

Postby ISHATETOOSTRONG » Sat May 30, 2009 9:47 am

(((Furious DIL)))

I'm glad to hear that you are doing better.

This is what I think. I think your SIL is a troublemaker. Why is she running to you with these tales and gossip? We often think that people who come to us with "the truth" are our friends, that they have our backs, when the exact opposite is true. She's stirring up drama and telling you things that hurt you. Did she defend you? Did she tell them she doesn't want to hear their BS? Had she not said these things, where would your relationship be with these ILs? How does your MIL treat you face to face? That's what is important.

Are they still ILs? No, but they are your children's grandparents. If they want to be grandparents and they are good grandparents (are they? If they aren't then disregard the rest and protect them), they shouldn't be prevented from being that because that would be good for the children. Besides you, they are the next closest ties to your husband. They can answer questions and keep your DH's earliest memories alive for your children. They can be an ally.

Now, that doesn't mean you have to tolerate abuse. Consider talking to MIL. Let her know you're talking to her because you want a good relationship. "MIL, word got back to me that you thought I didn't appreciate your taking me out to dinner. I just want you to know that I do appreciate the little things you do." "MIL, I'm sorry that you thought I didn't help you enough. I had no idea that you needed more help. Please, feel free to say something to me in the future." And, the most popular, "This week doesn't work for me, but next Sunday would be a great day to visit with the kids."

You can manage this relationship.
Never argue with an idiot. They pull you down to their level and then beat you with experience.
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Re: Husband passed away -Are they still considered my IL's

Postby winniewee » Sun May 31, 2009 9:58 am

You're in charge..make them come to you in order to establish a good relationship.
My GM (my dad's mom) thought my mother should pack all seven of us up to see her on her birthday every year where she ignored us and treated my mother as an outsider. This same woman demanded years later an invitation to graduations when some of us wouldn't even have a ticket to come.
I have to say..flash forward to grandmother has never had anything to do with me..and I blame her..not my mother.
My MIL is always giving..her 2 cents that is!
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Re: Husband passed away -Are they still considered my IL's

Postby Furious DIL » Sun May 31, 2009 1:27 pm

Thank you all for your feedback. That is why I love this site. I am blown away by all of your intuitiveness. Yes my DH did keep them at bay the ugliness popped out over the years but hit an all time max when he became sick and passed away. Unfortunate true colors. However, I am as I said so much stronger today. A part of me would love to be mean and petty just like them. But that just keeps the hurting going. I want no part of that and that is not the example I want to set for my kids. And in most if not all situations it is only about how much my kids get out of it. It will never be about IL's. So far they have been able to show my kids how much they love them and yes, I do understand that they are a very important link to my husband and his past. I get it.

I know the best way to deal with them and their small mindedness is to make peace with the way they behave and not see it as a reflection of me or my family. I am trying that on. It feels so much better than continue to waste so much of my energy hating them. IL's will not change nor will they admit or apologize for anything they have done to hurt me intentionally or unintentionally. Futhermore, IL's will not change who I am. I am incharge of this relationship and that is just the way it is. So in fact they are the one's that should really make peace with it they have more to lose. Oh Well.

Thanks I think you are all so great and give awesome advice. Thanks for making it a whole lot easier to get through this part of the grief.
Not so furious anymore.
Furious DIL
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Re: Husband passed away -Are they still considered my IL's

Postby Frankie » Mon Jun 01, 2009 5:19 pm

Sorry for your loss! This does not have too much to do with your post... well, sort of. Recently, when I was researching Grandparents Rights I came across something interesting. If you remarry and your new husband adopts your children as his own... then guess what... They )inlaws) have NO claim to your children. I know your situation is not that bad but it reminded me of a poster who does visit here anymore (Sad Widow) she would have loved that news. Her inlaws were just awful to her and her children during her husbands illness and after he passed away!
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