Gaslighting and emotional abuse, rant

Talk about anything and everything in-law related.

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Re: Gaslighting and emotional abuse, rant

Postby djs » Wed Jun 06, 2018 1:13 pm

KeeperOfPrecious wrote:DJS, your posts speaks volumes with me. All of it is completely relatable. I can spare the details and sum it up to this. We are at the point of counseling, not for usual marriage stuff like finances, infidelity, kids, time etc.... we need it for the sake of help with the ONLY issue in our marriage, his mother. She is so deeply embedded that when she’s unhappy, WE are unhappy. It came to me today that I feel it’s as if my DH is walking around with a sword and asking me to please “fall on this, everyone else has”. We have a shishkabob of family members on that sword enabling his M to continue and never held accountable for her pain she inflicts on everyone. She too has that crafty leader like your SIL, it’s my DH’s Aunt. She’s highly influential and my MIL’s personal “go to”. I need a therapist to help my DH put the sword down and let his mother go, or am I looking at this wrong? Lol. She’s making me insane because she can. She’s so deep in our lives that we cannot function normally and I’m feeling like maybe i need to do what has worked for everyone in his immediate family and just go with it. I can’t stand her and what she’s done to us. I am that person who would fall on the sword for my DH’s sake, he knows this. I just wish he wouldn't expect me to again, and again.


Please if you can, get him to counseling! For years we lived with the ups and downs of MIL and her being upset about this or that - unrightfully so! I tried for years to play peacemaker, make things go as smoothly as possible, even though our family was treated like the black sheep (at home DH would admit this but never address it).

The final straw was when she again tried another tactic of upsetting me (which she did) and told my DH that she was RETURNING my xmas gifts! He never told me and allowed me to go out and buy her gifts for Xmas for him to take over there (not knowing this til later of course). DH went over there with DD for Xmas and walked out of her home with nothing for me - letting her disrespect me like that! That was the final straw! I did nothing to cause her to treat me that way accept to call her out for not treating us as she did her other two children. We had planned a 16th birthday celebration a few months earlier for our daughter (her granddaughter) for a long weekend at Disney. We asked her to watch our pup 3 months before hand (she watches esil's dog and bil's dog several times a year) but just a few weeks before the trip said she would be "too busy" (a woman that does not work or has anything other to do then to run golden grandchild (Esil's son) around. I told her that she was being unfair and needed to learn how to treat all her children fairly. We had to cancel our trip because we couldn't see leaving our pup with someone that we hadn't had time to check out - our pup had never been with anyone else (this was the only thing she ever was asked to do for us all year long, we are very self-sufficient) and emil new that. Because I didn't accept her "too busy" I was banned from Xmas gifts. She does that all the time.

A few years ago we decided to inform his family (as I have really no siblings and we are the only one in his family that own a home) that we could not buy for adults anymore that we will buy for the kids in the family only. Now his brother had done this years before when he was married to his first wife and MIL was fine, saying oh they are trying to save etc but with us NOPE - She put up a big stink! She then decided to get back at me by saying she wasn't going to buy for my granddaughters (her step great grandchildren) anymore. Also, I had been very aware that MIL was buying the Xmas gifts for us from ESIL and BIL and putting their names on them. It was a sneaky little game she use to play. I don't know why but she always did things like that - even buy birthday cards to give us, having them sign it when they came over and she would place money it for them. Heck! she still does esil's laundry (and esil has a dh and son!!!!) It is such a twisted family.

Believe it or not the only way I have been able to show my DH what a more "normal" family is, is with my EX IN-LAWS! Yup you read right. I love my ex's family and am still very very close to them. On Mother's Day, my grown daughter had a beautiful dinner for all of us. My ex-MIL was there and other ex family members. It was a lovely day. No sarcastic remarks, everyone was treated with respect and no yelling or swearing. On the way home, DH stated that it was such a great afternoon (as when we always left MIL's we were more aggravated then when we got there). I brought to his attention the difference of our moods and said this is how it should be.

Counseling has done wonders for my family!
djs
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Re: Gaslighting and emotional abuse, rant

Postby KeeperOfPrecious » Wed Jun 06, 2018 3:15 pm

Yep djs, you sound a lot like me. Counseling has to be our next bet if we plan to move forward. He can’t see it yet, but she’s evil.

Every year for our anniversary she would send us a card with $50 in it. Last year she didn’t send us jack, instead she sent our son a letter along with $100 hahaha. It arrived on our anniversary date. She calculated that one perfectly. I intercepted that random check and put it through the shredder. The only reason she sent that was to personally send me the message that she was outcasting me. She was already working her magic on our son and creating rifts at home. That’s another story. Anyway, weeks go by and she doesn’t inquire about the check she sent, isnt that odd? Lol finally, she asks my DH about the letter she sent our son and my DH looks at me and asked if I knew anything about it, I say “no, never saw anything come in”. So she goes on to tell my DH the date she sent it. I’m sure it was killing her that her gift plan was all screwed up, it didn’t work out the way she had hoped. I find it hilarious that she had to tell DH the exact date she sent it, the date was precisely our anniversary date, but since she was told we didn’t get it, she had to make clear we knew the date so that now we can find that familiar and be somewhat “hurt” that she meant to acknowledge our son on our special day, and non verbally reminding us that she didn’t send us squat. I really don’t care, I want nothing from her. It’s all conditions and strings with this one.

As for Christmas, that too is familiar. She told us she was only spending on the kids, that was fine and dandy for us. But she goes ahead and spends on the BIL and SIL sending them packages for weeks. I told my SIL that when she speaks to MIL not to mention me ever and definitely do NOT let her know you’ve told me about your gifts. They’re not gifts intended for you, they’re gifts intended to hurt feelings.

And like you, I too get along beautifully with my ex and his fiancé. I believe our kids we had together are getting a loving and wonderful bonus mom. I think she’s great.

I posted a while back the post titled “Victory”... that one goes into another story. My MIL is something else and she has the backing of her flying monkeys. Too sad for them, they could be a part of the loving, fun family but instead choose to be in the yuck of the self outcasted. They’re more like a closed group than family. You would think they could see the draw to be happy and join us, but they find more comfort in the darkness and misery.

The devil himself is impressed with her handiwork.
KeeperOfPrecious
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Re: Gaslighting and emotional abuse, rant

Postby djs » Wed Jun 06, 2018 4:01 pm

Here’s a good one for you. My in-laws are so evil that the have a christmas celebration before our traditional time to celebrate (traditional time is christmas at my MIL’s around 3 pm) but esil started having mil, bil and his family on christmas morning and leaves us out ! They all open gifts and have breakfast. They talk about it in front of us christmas night but we aren’t suppose to get upset about it. They give digs about all the great presents they bought each other truly like middle school.

The puppy episode of MIL telling us she was too busy came frim us being gone for Xmas for dd’s birthday. They were probably mad that they wouldn’t be able to play their Xmas day game on hurting us because we would be gone. Ha! Dont worry we wont be there anymore for Xmas. They can find someone else to play games with!
djs
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Re: Gaslighting and emotional abuse, rant

Postby KeeperOfPrecious » Wed Jun 06, 2018 5:16 pm

Wow, that’s “in your face” bad, unreal... I got one for ya lol...omg, we can do this all day.
My MIL decided to jump in on our vacation. She wasn’t invited. Not only did she make it a point to travel to our destination, she planned a lunch date with my DH and told him I was not permitted to join them. This was the most outrageous tit for tat I’ve ever encountered. She’s not invited so she makes plans ON MY VACATION and not invite me to her stupid lunch date hahaha. He didn’t go, this probably saved our marriage. So she basically traveled from Florida, up to Illinois for nothing :lol: :lol: :lol: she never got the opportunity to lay eyes on her precious widdle boy.

The devil himself is impressed with her handiwork.
KeeperOfPrecious
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Re: Gaslighting and emotional abuse, rant

Postby Melody » Thu Jun 07, 2018 10:28 am

@KeeperofPrecious - You made me laugh out loud! MAYBE MIL even learned a lesson!

A few years ago I invited FIL (and he's the GOOD one of FIL and stepmonster) out to meet us (DH, kids and I) for breakfast. He said no to breakfast than invited DH and the kids out to lunch - cordially UNINVITING ME!

So DH, and only DH met him for lunch. (Have fun!) When FIL asked why the kids weren't there, DH said "Since you didn't want Melody there, it sounded like you had something important and really personal to tell me that certainly wouldn't have been appropriate to say in front of the children. So the children are home with Melody. I think she's taking them to the park.".

Isn't it nice when you can say, "Touche' Douchebag!"?
Melody
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Re: Gaslighting and emotional abuse, rant

Postby KeeperOfPrecious » Thu Jun 07, 2018 12:40 pm

:D Thank you Melody, yep, at this point I think the MIL is starting to become more entertaining with her brilliant antics. Instead of being angry with her all the time, I’m actually starting to have some fun with this haha. I have lots of little trips planned to see my side of the family, of course she won’t attempt to go there, the jealousy enough is my sweet reward. Man, to be so consumed with yourself that you cannot enjoy life being happy or seeing others happy sure must be the worst kind of existence. She truly misses out, even when she’s surrounded by loved ones, she misses out.

I love how your DH handled the lunch situation. That’s surprising that your FIL pulled that crap, it never works with the MIL’s so why would he think he could do the same? Haha FIL’s are supposed to be “good cop”.

Cheers to our hubbys for managing these situations *clink*

The devil himself is impressed with her handiwork.
KeeperOfPrecious
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Re: Gaslighting and emotional abuse, rant

Postby djs » Thu Jun 07, 2018 1:48 pm

Keeper - My MIL is so miserable. I have said to my husband for years, how can a person stay so miserable all the time. No way to live! She has missed so much of DD, who is an honor roll student, respectful, etc. So sad.
djs
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Re: Gaslighting and emotional abuse, rant

Postby KeeperOfPrecious » Thu Jun 07, 2018 3:35 pm

Yes djs, it’s like misery is their own safe place and sanctuary. They’re too afraid to be happy because then what? It’s sad, it’s a suck hole that they can draw others in to. I swear the one thing that keeps my MIL from getting along with me is she’d have to explain the sudden change of heart to her favorite flying monkey and confidant. Their only fun is to talk negativly about others in the family. If they all get along, then there’s nothing to chat about and I think they feel we are boring as we get together for good times and laughter. From the outside looking in, I would choose the fun, laughing, good times and enjoyment over the snarky, narcissistic little clique of three they keep. They’re outnumbered so they do have more material to work with when coming up with gossip lol... no one really talks about them since they’re so few and so unworthy. The funny thing about them is the three are either single or in loveless relationships. They don’t like me? Wow, I can’t believe I took it so personally. Looks to me like they don’t like anyone :roll:

The devil himself is impressed with her handiwork.
KeeperOfPrecious
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Re: Gaslighting and emotional abuse, rant

Postby djs » Thu Jun 07, 2018 4:40 pm

I say they don’t like what I represent! Someone happy and content with their life. Sil is always yelling or whining about something and MIL is a very insecure person. Not sure why they just can’t be happy with their lives or change them

I agree about MIL and having to answer to the flying monkeys. I see that too. One on one she can be find at time but when they are around she changes (just like middle school!) so now I don’t allow her much conversation anytime. If I am not good enough when others are around I am damn not good enough one on one.
djs
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