Update and BIL's So Called Wedding

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Update and BIL's So Called Wedding

Postby djs » Tue May 01, 2018 10:55 pm

Hello Everyone! It has been a crazy few months but I wanted to come back and give you all an update and get some feedback.

First I want to say that DH and I are still attending counseling and it is amazing to see the difference in DH. It now has been over 3 months since DH has spoken with MIL or anyone in his immediate family (except for when we attended Bil's wedding).

He gets it now and the more he is away from it, he sees it clearer and clearer. He will bring up conversation about the in-laws on things that happened in the past but talks about it as it truly happened and not the "making excuses" way he use to. It was amazing when we had a conversation a few weeks ago and I talked about how I never wanted DH to not speak with MIL and how that was not my wish. Dh's response? "Well if MIL is not going to respect my wife and daughter, there will not be a relationship". A far cry from the many excuses of the past. I thank God that we are able to talk through things and are becoming a united front.

If you all remember, DH was asked to be in bil's wedding but I was not. BIL is marrying esil's best friend. It has become a very tainted toxic family. With esil, mil and bil's fiancee and me on the outside. I told DH that I was being left out on purpose. Now mind you, they would not actually tell us who was in the wedding, but I just knew that they were trying to single me out and make me look like an outsider at the wedding. Sil and her husband and son were in the wedding and DH was suppose to be. The family is not large so there was no reason not to have me in it except to be mean. The fiancee has no brother or sisters. In fact, there was only ESIL - but several ushers. Of course, we don't find this out until the day of the wedding.

But DH foiled their plan. After realizing what their plan was (but talking it over with the counselor he saw the light! lol) DH backed out of being an usher! He stated that he just didn't feel right about being in the wedding (as emil just sold one of the properties to bil and DH didn't even get a call to be told this was happening but yet he has been made executor of emil's will). DH feels that with how they treat us all, he did not want to be part of the wedding.

So sure enough when we got there, all immediate family members were in the wedding except me (well DH now as well since he backed out!). I think I am still in shock that they were actually so evil to try and hide this from us so I wouldn't know ahead of time and make the extended family wonder why I wasn't asked. Mind you, I did not care to be in the wedding, really I could live without the drama, but to see how they could go out of their way to make me feel isolated really hurt.

Since the incident with emil selling property to bil way below what it should have been sold for (we only found out the price by checking public records because of course no one would tell us the price) DH backed away from them all. The day of the wedding we weren't asked to be in one picture! Usually there are one or two that the photographer takes with immediate family who were not in the wedding party. If fact, bil's new wife didn't speak or look at us at all on the wedding day. I have yet to determine if it is because we foiled her plan of trying to humiliate me or because DH said some very unkind words about her (she is pushy, nosy and was way too involved in family financial's early in her relationship with bil). DH cannot stand her. DH and I think emil told her when DH said about her. You know what they say, the truth hurts.

Fiancee was fine with me up until she became engaged to bil. Then esil stepped in and definitely worked on her to not talk with me anymore when we were all at mil's house. I could totally see the difference. Esil is a very jealous, insecure person and who knows what she said to make this fiancee not like me anymore which turned into not wanting me in the wedding. But I do know that emil was involved as well and was well aware of what was taking place.

On the wedding day, DH and I sat in the back of the church, not the front like family usually does. We didn't feel like we were part of the celebration. After church, emil approached him touching the side of his face and saying "I miss you" with me standing right beside him. Not a hello or hi to me. DH jumped out it immediately, not even responding to her "I miss you" and said aren't you going to say hello to my wife? He then told her that she needed to go and enjoy the day and this was not the time or the place to talk about things. We then walked to our car. I was so proud of him! He has come a long way.

We have our next counseling session tomorrow. Actually DH texted me and asked me if I could get an appt with the counselor this week as our original next appt wasn't for another 2 weeks. Nice to know he actually is looking forward to going to counseling and taking her advice.

Needless to say, I know things will never change in how they act. I have come to realize that esil has mental problems that she fixates on what we don't do for her but mainly for her son. We do not treat her son any differently then we treat other nieces and nephews but for some reason esil feels he should get more attention. Because we do not do as "she wishes" she tries to retaliate, planning outings and leaving our DD out of them. It was said right to us that the reason DD is left out is because we do not do anything with esil's son. Again, we don't do any more or less for him then we do others - but that is not enough for esil. I have just ignored it up to this point, just hard to realize someone could be that sick to even manipulate a wedding. Oh and by the way, when we got married almost 20 years ago, esil was in our wedding.

The wedding itself was awful! It wasn't a wedding reception as I know it at all. There wasn't any cutting of the cake, dance with parents. The only thing they did was a first dance. The rest of the night was just dancing and we hardly saw them. DH stated that they went outside to smoke pot. They didn't dance with everyone on the dance floor either. When some people started clicking their glasses which is done to ask the couple to kiss, the DJ announced in very strong words that the couple (the fiancee I am sure) did not want this and to not click glasses. It was just a very weird wedding. They didn't visit guest at their tables to say thank you either.

So glad it is over as I hope I don't have to see or hear from this miserable people for a very long time!
djs
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Re: Update and BIL's So Called Wedding

Postby mamarama » Tue May 01, 2018 11:27 pm

Awesome update!!! H really has come a long way and that’s something to be proud of. I’m sure that he’s also a lot happier now that he’s been able to detach himself from the unhealthy dynamics of his family and see what is going on with them, which is hard to do when you’re in the thick of it

And that whole hand on the face and missing him scenario is just plain obnoxious
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Re: Update and BIL's So Called Wedding

Postby jigglypuff » Sat May 12, 2018 11:12 pm

Wow, I'm so glad your DH has made a turn around! I think what really pushed him was how his family treated him both concerning the wedding and the property he wasn't told about.

When the ILs betrayed my DH, that was when I saw the biggest change in him. He said himself, he never thought in a million years that his family would treat us as they have. He was blind to all of it. Even admitted that he was angry with me in the beginning even though he knew I wasn't at fault. I don't understand that twisted logic but I'm just glad he broke out of it.

Your two ESILs sound a lot like mine. I believe EBIL's wife planted seeds in DH's sister's head about me. I also have good reason to believe she did the same with some friends who reacted very strangely around me. I have seen her do this too. She has tried to make the CIL she's jealous of look bad in front of her own family. Unfortunately she hasn't had much success there but when it came to me, an outsider, it worked.

My ESIL also used her wedding as another way of exerting her passive aggressive behavior. She not only tried to screw me over but also the IL's extended family who flew over last minute to fill her empty seats as a favor, SFIL and a friend of the family. She tried to keep me out of the wedding pictures but her plan failed, muhaha!

She not only excluded me but also her sweet SIL (her brother's wife) from the wedding party. ESIL was always cold with the poor girl but it didn't surprise us since she and her sister treated their brother's ex like crap. ESIL has a history of jealousy with other women and starting fights with them. Heck, she did it with her father's side of the family too who refused to attend her wedding after she insulted her own grandmother!

What really got under my skin was how the ILs just went along with all of this. She openly shared all of her wedding plans with MIL and SIL and they never peeped a word. MIL told DH at one point that they didn't think that what she did was okay but they went along with it with no protest. So she treats the ILs and other people like crap but everyone turns a blind eye. There was a bigger uproar when DH and I said we didn't want to marry in a church for crying out loud! For some reason, the ILs always attack either me or SFIL but never ESIL.

A miserable wedding for miserable people, how fitting. Again, congrats on your DH finally seeing the light. Hopefully your DH continues to take a stand against those filthy mongrels.
'As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am... That you're not here to ruin it for me'
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Re: Update and BIL's So Called Wedding

Postby Melody » Sun May 13, 2018 9:06 am

LOVE! LOVE! LOVE!

DJS - What an AWESOME update! You must have a great counselor and it sounds like everything is going in the right direction. This miserable wedding seemed to have only brought everything that much further. I hope this momentum keeps going!

And there are lots of fun things to do at a wedding other than traditional without being obnoxious about it. I hope I'm not being too arrogant but I've been told by many guests that mine was the most fun wedding they've ever been to - and I have very fond memories. This was a second wedding for me and DH had a number of near break-ups. He is very fun and creative - and has a theater background.

We had children running amok (my children's good friends from a prior marriage - we wanted to make sure they felt included) but with props and arts and crafts. My husband made Jack in the Box center pieces. After we were introduced as a couple (Blues Brother's Style - hence my screen name), DH made a dramatic "run" for the door. His law enforcement friends "apprehended" him and hand cuffed him to me (And I was visibly pregnant).

We skipped a lot of traditional stuff like the garter and flower throwing thing and went right for the couples dance. This is where all the couples dance and the Master of Ceremonies ask for only the couples who have been married X number of years to stay on the dance floor. The couple who has been married the longest ends up winning. And surprise, the prize is a bottle of their - coincidentally - favorite wine, lol.

There will be a step back at some points but wow this is super promising! Thank you for sharing such wonderful news! YEA!!!
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Re: Update and BIL's So Called Wedding

Postby Yacky » Mon May 14, 2018 2:26 pm

What a great update! Your DH is really coming along! I think you're absolutely right that you were purposely excluded to (attempt to) humiliate you. They did succeed in making it glaringly obvious to the rest of the attendees that you two were not a part of the wedding, but anyone who would look at those wack-a-doos and take their side of any story over just asking you two personally and giving you the benefit of the doubt that you two aren't horrible monsters just isn't worth your time anyway!

My MIL and FIL flew thousands of miles to be at our wedding, and chose to put on sourpuss faces the whole day, but literally NO ONE gave a crap and soundly ignored it. They were all MY family and friends, and many had already been informed (by me) how the IL's really felt about us getting married. Everyone was polite to the PIL's (because we were all raised that way!), but people certainly did give my PIL's a wide birth to be as pouty and miserable as they CHOSE to be, and instead everyone focused their attention on having a fun time 8)
~~ Some people really need a great big high-five....to the face....with a baseball bat ~~
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Re: Update and BIL's So Called Wedding

Postby djs » Mon May 14, 2018 2:42 pm

jigglypuff wrote:Wow, I'm so glad your DH has made a turn around! I think what really pushed him was how his family treated him both concerning the wedding and the property he wasn't told about.

When the ILs betrayed my DH, that was when I saw the biggest change in him. He said himself, he never thought in a million years that his family would treat us as they have. He was blind to all of it. Even admitted that he was angry with me in the beginning even though he knew I wasn't at fault. I don't understand that twisted logic but I'm just glad he broke out of it.


I felt the same way at first! For YEARS they had treated me and dd horrible but only when their treatment of him started to turn sour (which I knew it would in time and told him so) did he actually start seeing them for what they are.

jigglypuff wrote:Your two ESILs sound a lot like mine. I believe EBIL's wife planted seeds in DH's sister's head about me. I also have good reason to believe she did the same with some friends who reacted very strangely around me. I have seen her do this too. She has tried to make the CIL she's jealous of look bad in front of her own family. Unfortunately she hasn't had much success there but when it came to me, an outsider, it worked.

My ESIL also used her wedding as another way of exerting her passive aggressive behavior. She not only tried to screw me over but also the IL's extended family who flew over last minute to fill her empty seats as a favor, SFIL and a friend of the family. She tried to keep me out of the wedding pictures but her plan failed, muhaha!

She not only excluded me but also her sweet SIL (her brother's wife) from the wedding party. ESIL was always cold with the poor girl but it didn't surprise us since she and her sister treated their brother's ex like crap. ESIL has a history of jealousy with other women and starting fights with them. Heck, she did it with her father's side of the family too who refused to attend her wedding after she insulted her own grandmother!

What really got under my skin was how the ILs just went along with all of this. She openly shared all of her wedding plans with MIL and SIL and they never peeped a word. MIL told DH at one point that they didn't think that what she did was okay but they went along with it with no protest. So she treats the ILs and other people like crap but everyone turns a blind eye. There was a bigger uproar when DH and I said we didn't want to marry in a church for crying out loud! For some reason, the ILs always attack either me or SFIL but never ESIL.



Same here, MIL just goes along with it all and knows that it was wrong. We had both bil and esil in our wedding (I would have preferred to not have either!) but it was DH's family. I was raised better then that, how horrible to omit just one brother and his wife and dd. It had me shocked for a few days. I knew what I "thought" the plan was but to actually see it, and see how they all went along with it, made me sick. I feel bad for dh that his brother and new sil didn't even ask to have a picture of him (or us) with them for their photo album. But the bride did not even look our way all day so I'm sure she didn't want pictures with us. lol Horrible horrible family to say the least.
djs
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Re: Update and BIL's So Called Wedding

Postby djs » Mon May 14, 2018 2:59 pm

Yacky wrote:My MIL and FIL flew thousands of miles to be at our wedding, and chose to put on sourpuss faces the whole day, but literally NO ONE gave a crap and soundly ignored it. They were all MY family and friends, and many had already been informed (by me) how the IL's really felt about us getting married. Everyone was polite to the PIL's (because we were all raised that way!), but people certainly did give my PIL's a wide birth to be as pouty and miserable as they CHOSE to be, and instead everyone focused their attention on having a fun time 8)


Yacky - we made a point of have a GREAT time with other distant family that attended. With the way we were treated, we made sure not to bother saying good bye to them - they didn't care whether we were there or not!

Fast forward to yesterday, Mother's Day, and dh sent her flowers (although the counselor and I both agreed she did not deserve them) but he did not call her or go over there. She always gave me something for Mother's Day but of course, nothing came my way. She didn't even have the courtesy of calling him, she texted him thank you and that was it. She stinks and is so nasty!

Mother's Day we went to my oldest dd's house. There we spent the afternoon with my "ex" mother in law (who is as sweet as pie), my dd's mil and partner, my other two children and granddaughters. It was a wonderful day. On the way home, he commented about how nice and relaxing the afternoon was. I indicated that wasn't it nice to be around "nice" people that truly care about us. Because at his mother's we would be glaring at each other with every comment that was a dig and we would get so worked up.

I told dh that this is how it is should be not the snickering, nasty digging, ignoring time we have at mil's house. He agreed that it was very nice.

I thought about how long I had "put up" with this type of behavior and family atmosphere for dh's sake and told myself NEVER AGAIN! There is a problem with his family that I don't have control of but neither will I subject myself to it.
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Re: Update and BIL's So Called Wedding

Postby jigglypuff » Wed May 23, 2018 9:25 am

Same here, MIL just goes along with it all and knows that it was wrong. We had both bil and esil in our wedding (I would have preferred to not have either!) but it was DH's family. I was raised better then that, how horrible to omit just one brother and his wife and dd. It had me shocked for a few days. I knew what I "thought" the plan was but to actually see it, and see how they all went along with it, made me sick. I feel bad for dh that his brother and new sil didn't even ask to have a picture of him (or us) with them for their photo album. But the bride did not even look our way all day so I'm sure she didn't want pictures with us. lol Horrible horrible family to say the least.


I'm sorry they treated you guys so poorly. That's really disgusting behavior.
Well the one good thing that came out of it was your DH's realization of how unimportant he is to his own family. MY DH regretted being a groomsman for EBIL and ESIL's wedding but I told him if he wasn't, they probably would have left us out of the wedding pictures. That at least was the one thing MIL didn't allow. She actually called us over to be in the pictures without ESIL's consent, haha. I wanted to be in those pictures just to spite the hell out of ESIL because she admitted online that she did not want us in the pics :twisted:

Thing is, if I were in MIL or SIL's shoes, I would have never gone along with being in the wedding party and would have told ESIL that she was wrong for excluding her other SILs. Even though I did not want to be in the wedding party and would have politely declined, it's the principal, ya know? I wish someone would have stood up on my behalf.
'As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am... That you're not here to ruin it for me'
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Re: Update and BIL's So Called Wedding

Postby djs » Wed May 23, 2018 10:29 am

jigglypuff wrote:
Thing is, if I were in MIL or SIL's shoes, I would have never gone along with being in the wedding party and would have told ESIL that she was wrong for excluding her other SILs. Even though I did not want to be in the wedding party and would have politely declined, it's the principal, ya know? I wish someone would have stood up on my behalf.


I totally agree. I was lucky that we started counseling early enough that DH "got it". Of course it bothers me that he had to hear it from someone else and have the IL's treat him like crap (as it has been done to me for years) before he did something about it.

I have been depressed knowing that they actually were so ballsy to want to make me stand out as the only one NOT in the wedding. It hit me like a brick wall. Thank goodness DH backed out finally seeing that they were doing that so I would not be alone. We actually had a great time at the wedding (drank a lot to not let things bother us) and just enjoyed the rest of the family.

DH still has had very little contact with MIL or anyone else in his immediate family. He feels addressing things with MIL will go no where - she will just deny, deny, deny and blame it all on him (us) for whatever reasons they think (they do nothing wrong is the attitude).

I get depressed just realizing that his family is "that bad" and would do anything to hurt me. I have only been nice and when needed, spoken up for myself, but of course that is the problem, I am suppose to let them walk all over me.

I just can't for the life of me think that someone could be "that mean". I just come from a totally different world.
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