Advice

Talk about anything and everything in-law related.

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Advice

Postby Bianca » Wed Mar 13, 2019 8:08 pm

Hello everyone,


I am writing this message in hope that I can get some advice regarding how to move forward with my in-laws as I feel that my feelings about them cause friction in my relationship my husband.

This is a long story, as I have been with my husband 18 years altogether. We started dating when we were 16 years old. I will try to keep this as short as I can and to the point.

Early on when we first started dating my in-laws were not very supportive of our relationship. My husband and I lived roughly a 5 minute drive from each other and did not have vehicles. Occasionally my mom would drive us to each other's homes, but my in-laws never would. My husband, boyfriend at the time, would take the bus, ride his bike or take a cab to see me. My in-laws required my husband to be home for dinner every night. This made seeing each other very challenging. My mom tells me even now, that there was a time when my mother in law called her to warn her, that her son wasn't mentally stable.

A few years later after this when I was away at school, my husband decided to go on a trip with his friends. He told me that he would call me once he got there. I never heard from him or his friends. Around 11 or 12 p.m. My friend that was dating one of myhusband's friends called me. She heard that there was an accident close to where they were traveling. I decided to call mother-in-law to make sure that they were okay. She yelled at me because it was late, and said that the police would have called if they were dead. Sure enough, he called me the next day as they forgot to call as they were drunk.

Fast forward to my husband and my engagement. My parents paid for about a quarter of the wedding. My in-laws never paid for anything. I'm not complaining that they didn't pay, however they made it seem as if they couldn't afford to pay for anything. Very shortly after my husband's father purchased a motorcycle amongst other expensive things. I don't mind people buying what they like to buy, I just don't like that they would lie about not having money. All this considering they invited over 200 people to the wedding. I told my husband we should have a much smaller wedding, perhaps a destination wedding. That way we could put this money into our home. My mil invited many people I had never seen before or after our wedding. Some of which never even brought gifts or brought towels. She gave me a list of addresses of people she wanted to invite, in which every address had mistakes. Many the names were spelled wrong. I think this was intentional. She wanted me to get fake flowers and the stuff she was suggesting was really tacky. For the bridal shower she wanted to split the cost with my mom 50/50 meanwhile he had 75% of the guests. My mom refused. My father-in-law was planning the stag party, although he was not even paying for it. He wanted to spend a lot of money on it, when it was our money and not his. My husband put an end to his planning. We didn't end up making very much money at the stag party and ended up owing money for the wedding.

Skip over roughly 6 years after the wedding. I went off of work due to back pain. My in-laws decided to buy a new home. Sold their original home and got more than enough money and bought something cheaper. They then had my husband working on this home for 6months evwry weekend. He basically rebuilt this whole house for free. They very well knew that I was not working and not well. It would have been nice for them to have given my husband at least something. They basically had their friends and family build this house for them, which they made seem like they didn't have the money to pay for it, they also made it seem like it would be their forever home. needless to say after 3 years of being there they have decided they live too far from everyone and would like to sell it and move closer. I told my husband that this was their plan all along. Now they can sell this house for at least double then what they paid for it.

Around this time they decided they wanted to go on a family trip. I really had no desire to go. The place they wanted to go look like a dump. it literally had no toilet seats and toilets and was dirty. My husband said that because we are on only one incomethat we would not be able to go on the trip. So they said that they would pay for the trip because he had help to do the renovations. Needless to say I got so sick I almost had to go to the hospital. I have never been so sick like this in my life. They wanted to save money by taking us to the cheapest place. I literally was vomiting and having diarrhea every hour. I was hallucinating. I would have rather they just give us financial help rather than bring us on this vacation.

Christmas time is a rather trying time for me. As my mother-in-law wants us at her home Christmas Eve and Christmas morning. I tell my husband that I want to spend Christmas day my family. I feel that they don't respect the fact that I do have a family as well.

His family also has so much drama. There's something that someone says every time go there that hurts my feelings. At this point in my life don't need this type of negativity. I would like to surround myself it's positive, genuine people.

More recently my mother-in-law made a comment regarding me and my husband while we were dating. Saying something to the effect that we were inseparable like it was a bad thing. That we had made it difficult for her. I can guarantee you that was not the case. Like I said my husband was home every day for dinner.

More recently my brother in law that is roughly 15 years younger met a girl with a child and moved into her house after only dating a few months. I think this is partially because my brother in law was also forced to do many renovations on their home for free and during weekends when he wanted I do stuff with his friends. This girl and her son basically act like they live in my in-laws house at times. I can tell you that me and my husband were very respectful while dating. I have never acted like I have free access to any of their house or in their bedrooms.

For my brother in laws engagement party, my mil booked it on the day that we were out of town. My husband and I had not been away in many many months. He decided to take me away for that weekend because I was getting a job promotion. I told him to tell his mother to make the engagement party another day. It was costing us a lot of money to and I did not want to rush back home, when it would take us many hours to drive back. He told me that it wasn't an engagement party and that we could come back later in theevening just to have dinner with them. I was quite certain that this is most likely an engagement party. I made sure to buy a gift and a card. We rushed back on the Sunday to the party that was supposed to be at 5. I noticed that something seemed strange.Then I noticed that everyone had already eaten dinner and all the food was packed away. All the speeches were done. My mother-in-law had told people the party was at 3. We were told 5. I apologized to my brother-in-law and to his fiancé.

The following week or so my sister-in-law and made a comment that she might be the only child to get married in a church. My husband is a different religion than myself and so we had a wedding officiant and an outdoor wedding. My brother-in-law wants to havea destination wedding. His parents don't want to help pay for any of the wedding. I told him to save his money and buy a home. I also told him not to be persuaded what other people want for his wedding. He has to be happy with what he wants to spend and what he wants to do.

My question is, does my in-laws seem malicious? Once I have feelings that people aren't genuine I cannot forgive and forget. My husband told me to become a better actress. I don't want to go to their house every week like he does. They are his parents so maybe he can look past this, but I can't. I told him I can attend family occasions and holidays, but I don't want to go every week.

What should I do? What are other people's thoughts on my situation? I would like to get over this, but in my heart I don't know if that's possible.

I do feel my husband is partially to blame as he is a very giving person. He tends to look past these things. I feel like they take advantage of him. They always ask for help, to buy them things or pick up things for them. I dont feel that this is ever reciprocated.

When my grandmother died, my mother-in-law didn't call me for days after. My in-laws also always go on vacation during their children's birthdays, but then expect others to attend their birthdays.

Thank you for your input.

Bianca
Bianca
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Re: Advice

Postby Melody » Thu Mar 14, 2019 11:12 am

Hi Bianca! Welcome!

Your DH sounds like a nice and loyal guy. And on the downside, he's nice and loyal to his paaaaaaaarents to the fault that selfish MIL and probably FIL (an enabler? Mine is!) has been able to train him. I relate, and have managed to make things better, but it took years.

Yes your inlaws are malicious, and even worse they do it with passive aggressive crap kind of way. The time difference and telling you it was not an engagement party was no "accident". Your MIL is a triangulator.

I suggest that asap you CUT her out of the communication loop. DH should pick up the phone, but does BIL have something going on? DH should CALL HIM directly. THEY should compare notes! I kept encouraging DH to do this and now THEY plan together.

DH and BIL's stepmonster used to pull all kinds of crap including, if there was a memorial service we had to drive to FIL and stepmonster's house so we could "go together". They wouldn't tell us where it was or when (hours LATER). I put an end to that crap by searching online for service times and making our OWN plans that worked for OUR family of six instead of FIL and B*tch stepmonster's "plans" (like come running for lunch, but bring all the food).

DO NOT commit to anything they are not paying for, and you might likely get stuck with it. And as you saw "vacation" left a heck of a lot to desire.

Have a serious talk with DH about making YOUR nuclear family the priority. Your family's plans come first for you. You're CLEARLY not his family's priority (the accident story proves that - what kind of mother doesn't worry about their child?). Christmas Day YOUR family has plans! End of argument.
Melody
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Re: Advice

Postby jigglypuff » Thu Mar 14, 2019 5:24 pm

Welcome to the forum Bianca :)

Your DH sounds like a nice and loyal guy. And on the downside, he's nice and loyal to his paaaaaaaarents to the fault that selfish MIL and probably FIL (an enabler? Mine is!) has been able to train him. I relate, and have managed to make things better, but it took years.


Yes, that's exactly it. His parents have trained him to be loyal and obedient no matter what. My DH had the same issue. I've read that most mama's boys tend to be loyal and devoted husbands but they also share that loyalty and devotion to their parents. These brainwashed spouses of ours don't seem to understand that after marriage, the loyalty shifts to their partner only. Everyone else comes second. Their parents fail to teach them this because it suits them.

Bianca, a lot of things you said in your story brought back memories of dealing with my ILs. Your ILs, like mine are engulfers. No boundaries whatsoever. And to answer your question, yes they are being malicious. They want to control you and if they can't, they punish you in subtle, underhanded ways.

Don't entertain these soul suckers anymore. Don't talk to them on the phone or spend any extra time with them. No vacations, no dinners, nothing. Tell your DH to go alone and I can assure you, without you as his buffer zone, he will tire of them. They will wear him down and he will struggle without you around. He'll beg and plea for you to be there because deep inside, he hates being alone with them. Don't give in. You don't owe these parasites anything.

I agree with Melody's advice and I think you should consider it.

I'm sorry about your GM btw. My MIL or any ILs for that matter, never called or text me to send their condolences. Just goes to show what little we mean to them.
'As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am... That you're not here to ruin it for me'
jigglypuff
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Re: Advice

Postby rubycrownedkinglet » Fri Mar 15, 2019 1:52 pm

Definitely not an accident, your ILs are treating you to their passive aggressive manipulation. I saw my own ILs, who were very unsophisticated, pull off very similar schemes.

Making you late for a party or holiday dinner by telling you the wrong time? Been there!

Saying they would pay for our rehearsal dinner then sticking my DF with the check? Yep.

Stealing my DHs money from his savings account so that we would have no choice but to live with them after the wedding? MIL unsuccessfully tried that.

Giving us lots of misspelled names and incomplete addresses for our wedding invitations? Saw that too. [Jeez I didn't even realize that was a ploy to make me look bad until you wrote that your ILs did that too!]

Being totally and painfully honest, I can't believe how much crap I let them get away with, while still remaining nice and respectful for almost 30 years. Although we visited, we moved far away within 6 months of our wedding and never moved back. Maybe I allowed the distance to be a buffer and just forgave, time and again, while visiting less and less. It wasn't until the last 3 years or so they were alive that I talked to either of the PILs on the phone except to take a message. I kept myself at a distance and let DH handle them.

The biggest difference in our situations is that my DH caught on to how morally bankrupt they were and wanted to see them less also. I will admit that I did reinforce his doubts about them, and his bad feelings towards them, while never telling him how to feel about them.

You won't be disappointed if you have no expectations of them being good, decent people. You have been shown the truth. Your DH may not have seen it yet, but maybe with time he will. Keep yourself emotionally (and especially financially) uninvolved with them and leave DH to deal with their BS, and then tell him how sorry you are that they treat him that way.

Sorry Bianca, I wish I had better advice.
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Re: Advice

Postby WhyOhWhy » Tue Mar 19, 2019 5:15 pm

I had to start putting limits on how often I was willing to deal with my in-laws, as well as how much info goes back and forth. I don't want to know about all of their stupid behaviors, nor do I want them knowing all of my business, either.

I had to get to a point where I didn't care if my in-laws were happy about whether or not I came to every dinner/event or even if I participated in every phone call. I always get a chuckle out of it when I hear my MIL's shrill voice saying "Is Why-oh-Why there?!" to which my loving husband replies "Yup, right here." and I just say a few polite words and then go back to whatever I was doing. There are times I go away when he's talking to them on the phone, but most of the time I suck it up for at least a hello because I won't give them the satisfaction of thinking their ridiculousness bothers me in the least.

If you can get to that point, then all the rest of their actions can just roll off of you, as though they were performed by long lost relatives whom you hardly ever see.
I will not let them drag me down to their level again
WhyOhWhy
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Re: Advice

Postby Bianca » Thu Apr 25, 2019 5:44 pm

Thank you so much for all your great advice and for reading my super long story! I really appreciate it!
Bianca
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