Update on the delusional, evil in-laws

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Mara
Fuming
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Update on the delusional, evil in-laws

Post by Mara » Sat Feb 15, 2020 9:11 pm

Haven’t shared in a while. It’s going on a year and still going through divorce with EH (estranged husband). Can’t wait for his odious family to be my EX-in-laws, even though we’ll unfortunately continue to be connected through the children.

This divorce has been very emotionally difficult and stressful. EH has been in poor mental health for most of it and the narc EFIL is running things with the lawyer. They continue to accuse me of the most ridiculous, absurd things in court. I am still learning not to let their false accusations and unfounded opinions of me affect me. I am completely NC with all in-laws and bare minimum contact with EH (just related to scheduling with the kids).

It is honestly so mind boggling and infuriating how these people believe *I* am the bad guy in all of this and they are the victims. Anyone who knows our situation knows that I have been patient and forgiving towards them, to the point of becoming a doormat. They were extremely psychologically/emotionally/ and even physically abusive. I know I am not a perfect person, but anyone would say I have been above reproach in my relationship with them.

EH has continued to be emotionally abusive over text, but my lawyer doesn’t seem to think it’s worth getting an order of protection. She tells me to just ignore him. Even when he is attempting to be apologetic and regretful for how he has acted, he makes comments like, “You may be guilty of things but so am I.” WHAT?!?!

And now, he accidentally sent me a text that was meant for probably EFIL or BIL. He texted that he told his mom he had an emotional tie to me. His mom responded, “Is it a tie or a noose.”

I just had to run to another room to be alone because now I am bawling. It is so hurtful. They are such evil, vindictive, mean people. They have been fighting me every step of the way in this divorce and trying to do whatever they can to hurt me. Back in 2016 and before, their threats had me terrified to be on their bad side (and thus I walked on eggshells and became a doormat because they controlled me through their threats). They’ve said I will regret ever getting on their bad side, they will make me pay, they hope I struggle for the rest of my life and die penniless. EFIL even threatened to kill me and my family and purchased a gun.

I entered the marriage with about $75k in assets compared to EH’s $10k. EH squandered our assets during his manic episodes and his parents enabled him and threatened me if I attempted to safeguard our money. We both had about $50k in retirement (and we contributed much more to his than to mine during our marriage) and now his retirement is gone. He (or more likely his dad) also stole the kids’ college funds. And now that he has no assets left, they are attempting to get money from me. In their financial disclosures, they’ve omitted anything that would make them look bad and keep trying to accuse me of taking all our money. Ironically, they accused me of a specific $10k withdrawal to our account which was actually made by the bank itself to reimburse the in-laws for alleged unauthorized withdrawals made by EH from some other account that I know nothing about... they are trying to claim all gifts to our family as EH’s nonmarital property, including the nursery furniture that EMIL had ME pick out...

I’m still waiting for my lawyer to submit the ~20 page document that recounts all the abuse that EH and the EPILs perpetrated. And I’m currently working on my financial disclosures with evidence of EH’s reckless and irresponsible financial choices. Mostly I just want to be done with this all. In general, I don’t think it’s worth hitting them back and making them look like the evil delusional liars they are. But right now I hope so badly that the whole truth would be revealed and that the shame and embarrassment would consume them. Mostly the EMIL and EFIL. EH has done some horrible things, but a lot of the time it’s just like he is a helpless senseless child under their control.

KeeperOfPrecious
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Re: Update on the delusional, evil in-laws

Post by KeeperOfPrecious » Sun Feb 16, 2020 11:34 am

Wow Mara, you are going through some hell.

That “accidental” text, was no accident. Your EH is wanting so bad for you to be there in every conversation you’re brought up in. Since you can’t hear it and it’s such juicy stuff, he’s going to continue to “accidentally” let you know what was said. It’s so passive aggressive and he’s being a big fat baby. He needs to man up, own and accept his fate. He won’t, he’ll have his lovely family coddling him and coaching him throughout.

I’ve gone through all of this too, it’s so relatable. Just hang in there. Keep things through your attorney only as you have been.

My ex is playing the poor me victim in all of our divorce stuff too. I just endured having to see his entire family at my daughters graduation from nursing school. She became an RN and his family took all the accolades. My brothers wife (my fave SIL) turned to me and whispered, “your daughters success is all your doing, you know this right?”... I simply thanked her. His family stood there toasting themselves for the amazing work they did to help my daughter reach her goals. Blah blah blah lol I sat there and let them enjoy it.

There were times when my ex would ask my daughter to ask me for help in her tuition, supplies, etc. This man makes over 100k a year, I make maybe 10 percent of that lol .. he only did this to try and control me at the same time point out to my daughter the lack of contributions I’m making. It’s funny to me because it’s simply emotional manipulation all the way around. I put an end to that, I told him if he needs money, come to me, leave my daughter out of this.

You’re going to have a lot of hard pills to swallow, it isn’t easy. Just keep doing what you’re doing for your kiddos. They’ll know. Kids are smart, they’ll figure it all out without anyone pointing it out. When you keep consistent with positive encouragement and never get discouraged, your kids will pick up on who the real toxic ones are.

I can’t wait for you to be out from under this. It’s going to be a long, hell of a journey, but you can make it. I’m the “bad guy” too, so I understand you. Let them do their thing without any response or engaging, they’ll eventually hang themselves in some form or another.

The devil himself is impressed with her handiwork.

Melody
Nuclear
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Re: Update on the delusional, evil in-laws

Post by Melody » Sun Feb 16, 2020 1:24 pm

Mara - so sorry you are still doing this. Please don't believe the crap that the ex's obligatory posse is so "subtly" throwing at you. MAYBE your ex isn't a threat (and you would know best) but what you've said about your exFIL makes me nervous. Maybe you SHOULD pursue a restraining order. Seriously, this is scary and I would ask some professional advice.

Similar to Keeper (and our parallels are weird!) my ex. who makes a stupid amount of money and is a doppelganger to a a celebrity but isn't, is beyond ridiculous. Yes he cries poverty too. (After buying yet another BMW and jet setting to wherever for the latest ski trip - barf).

Document Document Document as I think you have been doing!

Regarding the baby gifts? That is a pretty low blow to the ILs. Don't bother fighting them on it, I would THINK (but you never know) that this would actually work to your advantage when a judge goes WTF?

And IF you're done with the stuff, I would dump it on their front porch. It takes up a lot of space, and now you don't "owe" them, lol.

PutMILinherplace
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Re: Update on the delusional, evil in-laws

Post by PutMILinherplace » Mon Feb 17, 2020 10:04 pm

Mara. I debated whether or not to say what I am about to say. I hope you find it of help.

First, it was not sent by accident. They are trying to terrorize you. All of this is physiological warfare , to put it simply. They are doing and saying anything they can to upset you to the point you cant function or will just give up.

Second. From all I have read and seen and dealt with people like this I want you to understand something. And this is what I debated whether to say. If they really wanted to hurt you or were able, don't you think they have had ample opportunity by now? Calmly think about that. If they had the balls or ability, by now they would have. They are bullies and like most bullies are just cowards: all talk. Now that doesn't mean you shouldn't lock your door at night, keep aware of your surroundings or even seek and order of protection. They are trying to to get inside your head. Its the same as the abusive husband threatening the wife that if she ever tries to leave him he will make sure he gets full custody of the kids. Now of course he really doesn't have that power, but in the heat of the moment, in a flurry of emotions, the wife doesn't think about that.

Now understand I am NOT in any way trying to belittle or minimize the abuse you have and are suffering. I am trying to say they only have the power of fear that YOU give them. I know this is hard but you are strong and you can and for the sake of your kids will do this. From now on..YOU ARE THE STORM that THEY better start fearing. I want you to say that to yourself. Seriously, I am not kidding. When you look at them think about how pathetic they are that they have so little power that they have to make threats to someone they think is defenseless. You're not so let these fools think that.

My MIL found out the hard way I was not so easily bullied like her children. She thought she could threaten me. Once, she told me that if I ever divorced my husband that she would make sure I would never get the "family" land/house we lived in. I laughed right in her face," You fool. I don't know why you think you would have ANY power or say in that. This is marital property and I will force the sale of this and take half. The courts would see to that" She was so flabbergasted because NO ONE had ever stood up to her empty threats that she didn't know what to say.

If you haven't already gotten the book The Gift of Fear By Gavin DeBecker you need to . I want you to read it and then re-read it. Chances are your local library has it , but I know Amazon does.

Keep all of the documentation for your lawyer, who has dealt with this kind of low life before. I get the feeling that he knows they are worthless bullies who rely on fear mongering more then anything else.

Mara
Fuming
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Re: Update on the delusional, evil in-laws

Post by Mara » Mon Feb 24, 2020 2:18 am

Thank you all for the replies. It means a lot to receive validation, support, understanding, and confirmation of the truth of the situation. I don’t think any one in my real life has experienced anything close to this, so it becomes lonely and isolating.

KeeperofPrecious - I honestly think the text was accidental, but you never know. He did seem genuinely embarrassed that he sent it to me. Either way, I know he has tried so very hard to suck me back into the drama and say anything to draw me in. I refuse to speak to him on the phone, so all he has is text messages (and the occasional voice message). He keeps trying to fool me and convince me that he’s doing better, he’s remorseful, bla bla bla, but then his true colors eventually reappear. You are so right that he is not taking responsibility for himself though. It is infuriating and confounding when he texts me things blaming me for everything that has happened. Just today, he accused me of being responsible for his psychiatric mediation dose being lowered and leading into a severe episode of mania and psychosis. This is the EXACT OPPOSITE of reality (he was the one doing everything in his power to get his dose lowered because he didn’t believe he needed meds, and I was the one who had to intervene and try to prevent that).
I am glad that your favorite SIL was with you at your daughter’s graduation to speak the truth to you while your ex’s family was congratulating themselves. Congratulations to your daughter by the way =)
This past weekend, the supervisor ended EH’s visit with the kids early, due to EH not following the facility rules and becoming argumentative and angry with the supervisor. My oldest (9 yrs) was angry, blaming it all on her brother (whose need to go to the bathroom precipitated the situation), and defending her dad. I made sure to let all the kids know that it was NOT AT ALL my son’s fault, but EH was responsible for what happened due to his stubbornness, anger, inability to submit to authority, etc. I am worried about my 9 year old aligning herself with her father and his toxic family.

Melody - I’ve certainly been very afraid of EFIL. I have gotten counsel concerning a restraining order. The first incident, I decided against it because I knew it would just further inflame his anger and cause him to want to seek revenge against me for taking that step. The death threat incident, I was told that I would not be able to get a restraining order because they were third party threats (relayed from EMIL through EH, not directly to me). Even when we went through the guardian ad litem, he didn’t care about the threats. He flat out told me, “your judge is a vet and very strong on second amendment rights, so you aren’t going to get anywhere with this.” He said all we could do is make sure the gun is locked in a safe. But it seems like they just asked him if it was and took his word for it (I have to drive my kids to the house, which is where supervised visits take place half the time, the other half is at a facility).
I hope you are right, that a judge would look at that and see how ridiculous they are. I think these documents are just for us to share with each other, not the judge though (discovery for if/when we go to trial). I’ve thought about just offering the nursery furniture to them. I honestly don’t want it, but at the same time, why should I cater to them and give them the benefit of getting what they want? I’d rather donate it to charity and let them know I no longer own it.

PutMILinherplace - I agree that they are trying to terrorize me. I basically ignore everything EH texts me. Every once in a while, I feel it necessary to correct his absurd lies. He immediately responds with things the EPILs are saying in response to my text! I am trying my best not to give them that power over me (to make me anxious, fearful, upset, sad, etc). I hope you are right about them being all bark no bite. But I do believe that they are capable of anything in the heat of the moment. I have not seen or talked to the EPILs since 2016. But EH has been physically violent with me as well as the EPILs and BIL. EH and EFIL have gotten in the most altercations. And I’ve seen firsthand EFIL exacerbate the situation and egg EH on to fight him. I truly believe that EFIL is EVIL. There’s a police record of a recent incident where EH was asking EFIL why he hates me. They got in a serious physical fight with visible injuries (bloody lip, red punch marks, etc) and EH ended up calling the police. I do think they are capable of anything, but I certainly agree with you that I shouldn’t allow them to have that power of fear over me.
I did read The Gift of Fear back in 2016, probably at your recommendation (I know it was someone from this group). I can’t recall if it was that book or a different one, but something that stuck with me is how restraining orders are not effective and can cause more harm than good (like an anecdote of a woman being murdered outside of the courtroom when she went to obtain a restraining order).

PutMILinherplace
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Re: Update on the delusional, evil in-laws

Post by PutMILinherplace » Mon Feb 24, 2020 11:58 am

Mara wrote:
Mon Feb 24, 2020 2:18 am

This past weekend, the supervisor ended EH’s visit with the kids early, due to EH not following the facility rules and becoming argumentative and angry with the supervisor. My oldest (9 yrs) was angry, blaming it all on her brother (whose need to go to the bathroom precipitated the situation), and defending her dad. I made sure to let all the kids know that it was NOT AT ALL my son’s fault, but EH was responsible for what happened due to his stubbornness, anger, inability to submit to authority, etc. I am
Also keep in mind something and be prepared. Your daughter is no doubt frustrated, scared, mad, sad; a host of emotions at all plus she may be hitting puberty. (God help you) Hey!we are women we understand. She may be lashing out because 1) you and brother are there and 2) you and brother are safe.

I know this sounds crazy but it is not unusual for an abused child (usually sexual abuse) that when confronted by a councilor and/or police will accuse another person of being the abuser because they know that person will not hurt them. They are too scared of the actual abuser to tell authorities at first. This, sadly, is not uncommon. So you may just be the "safe" person to lash out at and blame. Sigh, welcome to motherhood.

Keep talking calmly to your 9 year old. Why did they blame the brother's bladder? Is the way their father acted really the way he should have acted? How does she think her father should behave? Keep asking questions, get her to say the answer. She does understand it has NOTHING to do with her, her brother or you. Its her father's free will decision. Try to stay clear of blaming too much on his mental illness. I know , I know. But at her age she needs to not grow up thinking its not his fault becuase it could set her up for not setting appropriate boundaries when she is an adult. I have seen it happen again and again.

Take care hon.

Mara
Fuming
Posts: 160
Joined: Thu Jul 07, 2016 2:03 pm

Re: Update on the delusional, evil in-laws

Post by Mara » Fri Apr 03, 2020 1:51 pm

PutMILinherplace wrote:
Mon Feb 24, 2020 11:58 am
[quote=Mara post_id=109246 time=<a href="tel:1582525109">1582525109</a> user_id=5936]

This past weekend, the supervisor ended EH’s visit with the kids early, due to EH not following the facility rules and becoming argumentative and angry with the supervisor. My oldest (9 yrs) was angry, blaming it all on her brother (whose need to go to the bathroom precipitated the situation), and defending her dad. I made sure to let all the kids know that it was NOT AT ALL my son’s fault, but EH was responsible for what happened due to his stubbornness, anger, inability to submit to authority, etc. I am
Also keep in mind something and be prepared. Your daughter is no doubt frustrated, scared, mad, sad; a host of emotions at all plus she may be hitting puberty. (God help you) Hey!we are women we understand. She may be lashing out because 1) you and brother are there and 2) you and brother are safe.

I know this sounds crazy but it is not unusual for an abused child (usually sexual abuse) that when confronted by a councilor and/or police will accuse another person of being the abuser because they know that person will not hurt them. They are too scared of the actual abuser to tell authorities at first. This, sadly, is not uncommon. So you may just be the "safe" person to lash out at and blame. Sigh, welcome to motherhood.

Keep talking calmly to your 9 year old. Why did they blame the brother's bladder? Is the way their father acted really the way he should have acted? How does she think her father should behave? Keep asking questions, get her to say the answer. She does understand it has NOTHING to do with her, her brother or you. Its her father's free will decision. Try to stay clear of blaming too much on his mental illness. I know , I know. But at her age she needs to not grow up thinking its not his fault becuase it could set her up for not setting appropriate boundaries when she is an adult. I have seen it happen again and again.

Take care hon.
[/quote]

PutMILinherplace - thank you for the perspective and suggestions. I did talk through this with my daughter and she eventually did say she knew it wasn’t her brother’s fault. But she has also blamed the supervisor too... it’s been a tough road with her. She’s always been more of a handful, but She started having significant issues when everything was going on in 2016. It seemed like things were getting better, but I kind of feel like whenever her dad is more involved, she has more issues. Like, when he wasn’t ever calling or visiting, she kind of just forgot about him, never talked about him...

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