I Hate My Inlaws!

Toxic trolls

Posted on Fri, Jun. 28, 2013 at 12:49 pm

My husband's mother, father and father's second wife are toxic trolls.

His mother forced her way into our home in the middle of a move, got drunk daily on the magnums of wine she stocked as soon as she arrived, complained that we did not make enough time for her, and disappeared after going on a raging rant that I told her was beyond the pale. In the years since, she expressed pleasure to extended family when I miscarried, spoke rudely about me and cheered at the thought that marriages usually don't last more than 5 years.

His step-mother cornered me during a visit to their home to demand that I accept her religious beliefs. She is some kind of new age healer and that day, she wanted me to second her belief in ESP. I politely told her that this was not part of my belief system (as it happens, I am a scientist and an atheist, though I never made a bid deal of it with her). I changed the subject to things she might enjoy discussing. She literally huffed, ignored my effort, spun on her heels, and decided to ban me from her home. She has behaved exactly like FIL's wife #1 since then.

With the birth of our first child, I reached out to my FIL and asked him if he could talk with me about his position with regards to banning me. I got no response. For 2 years, I created events where he might meet with his grandchild, and found him to be rude to me on every occasion -- long silences, sneers, jumping at being critical if I gave him the chance (e.g. when he brought up moving next to a house whose owner was in jail for a violent offense, I expressed sympathy at how worried he might be about this and he sneered then shot me down for discussing something so painful to them. WTF?). Eventually, I stopped volunteering that he join us to the zoo or the aquarium and I told my husband that I was no longer ok with having these people (even potentially) in my or my kids' lives. I got no direct reaction on FIL's part. He hasn't tried to see our son in 6 months and hasn't asked about me or spoken to me throughout my husband's and my recent pregnancy. He removed me -- but not my husband -- from the address line of a birthday letter he sends our son.

For all but 1 year in my 8 year relationship with my husband, these people have been complacently mean, shown little emotion or care for their grandchildren, and worked my husband over so he would leave me. They have created an enormous amount of stress in my marriage. They've weakened it. My husband doesn't want to cut ties, rarely defends me to them, has become less caring toward me and I've come to see him with suspicion. And as far as I can tell, this is all because I was not a booster for this trollish trio's personal excesses but tried to lead a life with my partner that was not about them, but about us.

My work colleagues, friends and my husband's other relatives find me easy to get along with. I am not omitting any action in which I was rude to these trolls. It's very straightforward in my mind that I am dealing with horrible people.

So out there, if any of you is dealing with people like these, and your marriage is hurting from the stress of it, you have my sympathy. And spouses who let the toxic trolls who birthed you into your marriage, CUT THEM LOOSE. What do you think will happen otherwise? Years of distress for someone you love asked to build a life withand ? Losing that love, that life and costing your kids their own family? For what? For whom? Stop being wimps and take a hard look at the monsters you let in the door.

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